Pavlov's unsucessful expeirment

ohkay give me a moment to rant.


what the fuck is pro ana
why would someone be pro ana.
darling if you are 'choosing' to be anorexic then do the normal bitch thing and go on a petty diet.
like get out of my face with that shit. it's some of the most annoying thing that has ever come across me
honestly.
it really gets me that you sit there, on your damn phone like
"omg ana forever. for every rt ill do two sit ups and starve for an hour."

OH SHIT BITCH A WHOLE HOUR, BE CAREFUL YOU MIGHT FALL OVER

like it makes me so mad.

another thing that pisses me off is the pro anas that are like
"Once i have a thigh gap and a cute boyfriend and nice boobies i'll stop"
uhm first off
reality check
 Did you know that if you starve yourself enough to get a "thigh gap" YOU ARENT GOING TO HAVE BOOBS YOU DUMB BITCH BECAUSE YOU'RE BODY WILL BE FEEDING OFF THE BOOB FAT

secondly, if all you're concerned about is getting a fucking thigh gap and a nice body, just work the fuck out because it's really insulting in my opinion.

"once i can fit my hand around my thigh ill be ohkay"

that isnt even what it's like you dipshit.
once you can fit it around your thigh you'll want to be able to fit it higher up around your thigh, and once you can do that, you'll want a gap between your thighs and your hands, and so on.

it's just sickening to think that you're encouraging something that i've been in the hospital more than once for.
 my hair falls out.
 i have languo.
dangerous heart rhythms.
reduced blood flow. (i can't do anything without something falling asleep)
low blood preassure
Practically non existant fertility (yeah that's right. there like a 2 in 25 chance i could have a baby)
disordered thinking.
peripheral neuropathy
severe mood swings
depression
sudden weakness
slowed thinking
poor memory
dry skin
brittle nails
constipation and bloating (in the entire body, making me look fatter than i am)
tooth decay
dizziness, fainting, and some damn good headaches

AND THAT'S JUST THE PHYSICAL STUFF OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD NOW LET'S NOT FORGET

*I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE I'D RATHER BE LEFT ALONE WITH MY EATING DISORDER.
*I DON'T EVER REALLY GO OUT BECAUSE I FEEL TO FAT.
*I THREW AWAY MY HIGHSCHOOL YEARS GOING IN AND OUT OF MY TREATMENT CENTERS AND HOSPITALIZATIONS
*MY FAMILY DOESN'T TRUST ME
*I CAN'T EVEN TELL MY BOYFRIEND THE TRUTH BECAUSE I'D RATHER HIM THINK I'M OK RATHER THAN I HAVENT EATEN IN DAYS.


but you know since that's what you all want so bad, go for it
here, you can have my mental disorder, please take it. it's alllllllll fucking yours bitch,

is it still as glamorous as you'd hoped.

P R E S S U R E

"i hate the way you smile when you kiss me.."


measure body
get on scale
 put pants on
take off pants
what are pants
re-weigh self.
thoughts; omg no is that really the real number. omg no kill me


ohkay so recently i got an email with relationship concerns.
a friend of mine was asking for advice on how to withhold a relationship and their eating disorder at the same time.
well here's my advice.

unless you have any intentions of recovering, i dont think it's going to fucking work.
people who don't have issues can't relate to people who have issues.
they get to caught in their thoughts trying to think of a way to fix you
it's terrible
i dont suggest it but ive seen it happen?

Up to date?

1 being the worst 10 being the best.

Depression: 5.
Anxiety: 4
Eating disorder : -3;2+37372;38'29

So, i know exactly what my eating disorder is telling me to do.
I get it but I'm trying so hard not to scare the people that stand by my side no matter what.
I'm losing weight. But not quickly which is ok because i can't stand other people wanting to get in my buisness already.
But on the other hand, my eating disorder makes me feel like the longer i take to lose thos weight, the more worthless i am.
It's true though.
Just like two more months and i can do me.
I can starve and not have the "oh shit, suddenly all my costumes are to big for recital" moment AGAIN this year.
Just please let me push through two more months of this.
Just after nationals.