the invisables.

as cold and as pale as my fingers tend to be tonight they were kept warm.
newish feeling for me.
not by another person necessarily,
I dunno.
sort of...
every time a lie was spat, another one of my fingers got released onto the counter only to be stuck to the stickiness of the situation.
energy in petty lies brought warmth to my body with, "I'm fine"
"I feel fine"
my pointer finger tapped.
"No really. i'm awesome"
my fuck you finger found it self being pulled towards the finger fucking finger.
"i'm so much better now"
so many lies. so many motions of my fingers racing towards the counter with the hope of being broke instead of just a mere sign of anxiety...depression...weakness.

deeeeep breaaaatheeee

Who's in charge, certainly it's not me anymore.

"what do we all want to do next?"
 my step father is annoying.

-you have me walking all around town, I feel like I might die if I walk anymore-
"can you just drop me off at home so I can start reading my books and you guys can go out"

fucks sake. didn't have to say that twice. they brought me home
books.
I start to read them.
it's not much of reading because I can't focus on the plot line.
blurred lines. blurred intentions. blurred stories of lord only knows what this author was thinking

I decide it's time to eat something. so I go down stairs and pour myself a child sized glass of almond milk and begin walking back upstairs.
NO
then I realize, fuck, I meant food, so I head back down stairs and open my cabinet.
gluten free-vegan protein bar! I grab two!
*I open them both up individually, tear them apart into pieces and toss them in my dogs food bowl. then the wrappers go on the top of the trashcan as evidence. my work here is done. go back upstairs now*
I grabbed my almond milk and...
fuck.
no.
jeasus Christ
I need to fucking eat something.
I open the fridge and plop four grapes into my mouth. (18)
next is the freezer
I grab out the bag of brussel sprouts and pour the rest of what's in the bag
I begin to count how many are in my bowl...one...two...three..four..five....six..........seven..........eight....I take out two of them, I do not want eight. six is my safe number. the extra two join the bowl in which my dog is chewing forsaken protein bars
six brussel sprouts (48) go in my bowl for 2minuetes and 46 seconds.

as soon as that's done I add 1/5 of a tomatoe (15) 1 green onion stalk (10) and two tablespoons of pico de gallo homemade. (20)

then I take a knife to it and cut them it all together in the bowl to make tiny pieces, I wont know the difference when im eating it that it isn't very much even though it looks like a lot.

stop. halt. hold your bloody knickers.
it has me again. im shaking. I don't want to eat it but I know I need to.
(109)
one hundred and nine calories
solid calories
little monsters
regrets

and after typing this incerpt for a solid 36 minuetes I realize it has taken me a full 36 minuetes to finish that bowl.
kms

applaud my audience

I checked my email and oh shit, realized there were a lot of questions you all had sent me that I had never gotten back to. so. Im going to do them in different sequences the next couple day's. I might not get to it right away but I will. I promise.
this is my q&a


Q:  DO YOU THINK YOUR LACK OF RELIGIOUS VIEWS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR EATING DISORDER

A: hi, wow, what a seriously good question. I don't think that my lack of religious views was like a spite of 'god' and that's why I developed an eating disorder. but in a sense I can easily say that my eating disorder has made me skeptical of not god himself but religion in general. As a little girl I was very religious and very 'faith filled' to say the least, that lasted till I was six or seven maybe at the most.  It disappeared quickly though because I began to ponder upon the simple idea of 'why do I feel as disgusting as I do when I worship something that is supposed to do nothing but be perfect for me'. So in a way, I definitely think that my lack of faith came from a deep un-understanding of my eating disorder. in a petty 'why me' sort of way. you feel?

Q; HOW DO YOU MANAGE A BOYFRIEND WITH ALL THAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH?

A:  funnnnnny question. omg I don't manage well. my most recent boyfriend I literally just went through hell, tooth and nail, trying to push him out of my life. He would be mean to me, so I would be mean to him. and he was a cheater. and I was sensitive. and he liked being depressed. and I didn't like being bothered about eating. and apparently a whole bunch happened on my phone today while I was napping but anyways, short story shorter, he essentially posted a tweet hinting that he cheated on me more than omce, another that im stupid, another that im already replaced, and honestly....this is sickening..but I love that pain coming from his words because it pushes me harder to reach the goals I want

Q: ARE THERE ANY PHRASES THAT TRIGGER THE SHIT OUT OF YOU OR JUST ANNOY YOU? OR AM I JUST CRAY

A: lolwutnoway. your not crazy. I hate it when people say things along the lines of "lol starvation diet" "wow you look so healthy" "ugh god you are so perfect and skinny I wish I was you" "im so happy to see you eating" stuff along those lines. i'm sure you feel me, right(:


Q: DO YOU THINK 'SKINNY LOVE' IS ABOUT WHAT WE THINK IT'S ABOUT?

A: honestly? no. I DON'T think that skinny love is about a girl with an eating disorder. I think it's about a relationship that's running out of reasons to go on, almost running out of love. and both people want it to 'last the year' but because of the malnourishment of the relationship things may not being going as hoped or things may be getting worse so it's not full anymore. it's empty.


Q: IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SCARED OF.


A: physically? no. but there's this song called 'weightless' and it's by MI. I heard it on my Pandora the other day and it literally gave me chills. it's a terribly made song but the first verse had me shaking with how disturbing it sounds. omg yea that was the last time I was actually scared.
Q: AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE?

A: no.

Q: I DON'T STARVE MYSELF, I DON'T SELF HARM, AND I'M NOT DEPRESSED OR ANYTHING. BUT I OFTEN GET THE URGE TO DO ALL OF IT. DOES THAT MEAN I'M GOING TO SOONER OR LATER.

A: alright, i'm going to be closing out this sequence of questions with this answer because it's going to be a long one.
You may think about doing those things every so often because, every single person has in their life. it's a matter of pursue.
not a single person has  looked at themselves at least once and not been disappointed at least once
that's life. give or take.
but before you feel compelled to take that next step I want you to know something important.
self harm is not a matter of 'I was gonna cut myself once but I was afraid it might hurt.'
it is a matter of addictive behavior that can leave over 500+ different scars on your beautiful body.
secondly as for starving yourself, it should not be a 'choice' or a 'sometimes' thing. the only thing that starving yourself is going to bring you is NOTHING. it's going to take a good amount of things from your life. fun, friends, family, health, school, experiences, love, parties, sex, driving. yes even driving, when im below a certain weight I can't drive. when i'm so far deep in my anorexia, I don't even try to stop it. it's all that matters. I don't care if my dad dies, I don't care if I've litteraly faught and made someone I love hate me and made them want to move on because all that matters right now is dropping weight and numbing out. because I just listen to it..
look in a mirror. pull the hair away from your face, and tell yourself how much you need that person staring in the mirror back at you to stay strong, because that is the person you need the most right now.
you're beautiful, inside and out,
don't do this.