Sacrifices..

Today i had to make a sacrifice for my health.
Emotional health.
For the past five/six months ive been really in love and am still very in love with this boy.
Handsome,
But ya know things are not always as they seem.
He knows everything, (well almost everything about me)
And he thinks i never loved him.
Today
He told me that i was a fucking lie.
He knew i never loved him because my best friend had the braclet he gave me for valentines day.
But heres the thing,
I didnt GIVE the braclet to my best friend
I had to take it off when i went to the hospital several nights ago..a hospital trip he knew about.
Damn well. You can't have anything metal on during xrays / catscans and why that isnt clicking in his brain I'm not sure.

So i obviously had to tell him good bye. Of course he thinks this is about me not loving him and all but it's not. Its about myself. And me needing to choose my health. Day after day recently had been him fighting me on the smallest of things like not texting him back, while i had been at disney land, and his insecurity that I'd cheat on him even though I've never given him a single reason to think or believe that i had cheated.
I couldn't sleep, because i didnt want him to think i was ignoring him.
And as you all know.
For someone with eating disorders
That's the kind of relationship that will send you sky rocketing into the deep end of your pool.
And im already 3/4ths there.
It hurts so bad because i know i didnt want to say goodbye but i had to.
_________________________________
(Continued)
Yesterday was probably the last day ill see him in a long while.
But it isn't the end.
I'm done denying my anorexia
Im done telling people I'm happy
I fell apart last night when i got home
Now I'm ready. To drop. To hopefully like myself a little more.
I'm so blank.
Empty...
Welcome to my life this past seventeen years..

Email me.
Tell me about the hardest decision you've ever had to make..

And only a single person GAVE A FLYING FUCK

ohkay rant time
lets be mother fucking honest
ANYONE WHO'S KNOWN ME OR KNOWN ABOUT ME FOR THE OAST SEVERAL YEARS HAS KNOWN
im that girl with the eating disorder.
in and out of treatment centers and hospitalizations.
and her i am. yet again dropping weight quick as hell
only a single person has taken the time to stop and say

"Ange, are you ohkay...ya know. nevermind, dont tell me ,i already know...Ange everything is going to be ok. i pinky promise."

AND IT WASNT MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND,
THE ONLY THING HE'S REALLY HAD TO SAY TO ME TODAY WAS
"you're being really short with me. can you not be short and just flirt with me"

im sorry but i found that really rude.
he woke me up twice last night for stupid ass shit then wants my full attention to be on him and like fucking 7am in the morning. like helllllloooooooo can you not.
what the hell is your issue
its not like you dont know how many issues im having with myself again
how many old behaviors are coming back. and you cant even ask if im ohkay because you want me to fucking flirt with you.
IM TRYING NOT TO KILL YOUR VIBE YOU IGNORANT FUCK. IF I NEED TO BE QUIET, LET ME SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE QUIET.
THE DEATH OF GIUILIA IS STILL AFFECTING ME.
YOU ALWAYS YELLING AT ME IS AFFECTING ME.
LIKE DOES NO ONE GET THAT
IF YOU ANNOY ME, MAKE ME MAD, OR KILL MY VIBE IN ANY WAY WHAT LITTLE APPETITE I DID HAVE IS FUCKING GONE.

MY RANT IS NOW OVER. so sorry...

things that give me anxiety?

so recently ive been asked ALOT
what things give me anxiety

-being  late
-someone else  being late
-someone making me late
-big family gatherings
-crowded hallways
-being looked at -____- (i know like what the fuck is that shit)
-being yelled at or talked to sternly
-being told to rely a message such as (well you tell him...)
-NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND A BRUSH (this sends me straight into a panic attack)




things that trigger me?
shit this is weird.
do the same things trigger you guys?!

-being yelled at to the point of crying
-being talked to about losing weight (my grandma being like "ive lost three lbs")
-someone asking me about my "vegan diet" i am vegan for animal rights not for diet reasons
-wearing jeans (the number on the jeans freak me out ! weather im a 1, 0, 00)
-not being able to cook my own food
-being asked "hey, im going to grab food, do you want anything"

ill continuely add onto this if something new comes up.

Smart enough to know better, weak enough to lose the battle

I wake up this morning and make myself a warm cup of chamolmille tea with a drop of honey for sweetness.
Then I think "hmmm I should eat"
And even though I want to get up and get food, for whatever reason I feel like my ass is glued to this counter.
And finally after siting there for 20mins I got up and opened the fridge only to get an over whelming feeling of all 'all this shit makes me want to vomit' like I got physically sick.
Why is this happening to me. I wanna be a normal girl.

If i could go back..

if i could go back I would have died the first time around.

Feel it start to permiate

I'm hungry
As fuck
And I'm screaming yes I want something to eat in my head but when I talk I'm saying no outloud
I don't understand
I can smell J's burger. The smell permiating through the air like a poison sinking through my pores.
Jesus Christ I'm going crazy.

My own little dose of personal trigger and relapse

alright.
one of my most main triggers for the past like FOREVER 
has, been,
the feeling of failure to sombody else.
so if i get in trouble and get yelled at it's a trigger.
bad grade? trigger
bad score? trigger
bad hair? MAJOR TRIGGER
(hahahaha, yeah i get triggered when i cant find a brush)
but i think when people yell at me and tell me what im doing wrong or what i need to do is when i get triggered the most just because i dont know how to regain control over myself
maybe?
im not totallly sure yet. anywaysanywaysanyways
for instance.
J.
J is very jelous. anything i do involving another boy i dont hear the fucking end of it
he begins to get mad and say things along the lines of "why the fuck would you do that?? you know what. just do what you want."
which obviouly means theres something he really would rather me do
but he wants me to make the decision but either way is the wrong decision with him so i cant win
at all
ever
and so the starving continues
now do not get me TWISTED 
he is not the reason for my eating disorder
i had it much before i met him
all i am saying is his yelling is not helping with how nicely i feel about myself.

Bubble bubble toil and obesity.

Blahhhhhhhhh, I feel like

Ohkay, I have not eaten a single thing today.
Three cups of water.
Three cups of coffee.
and one cup of bullion with cayenne powder in it.

My boyfriend looked at me and asked "how many books have you read in the past couple weeks"
I knew he saw I was nervous and I couldn't even lie to him about this one so I told him the honest truth..
Eight. Eight books.
His immediate reaction was "you aren't allowed to read past ten until you're on your way to California, you can't just hide in a book to get out of reading."

Blahhhhhhhhh, I wanted to cry