What's stopping me

I've been lackijg on posting often
Which is my fault. I've been busy.  I've been relapsing. I've been losing and gaining
Two steps foward one step back type of feel.
I got diahnosed with celiac disease so once safe foods arent safe or else I bloat up until I look months on montha pregnant.
I'm going to start updating more often.
More interesting topics. Going off to college guys♡

So I'll be talking about college, struggles, and maybe even boys. I'm going to post once more before bed tonight so stay in tuned♡

Brb

Nailed in numb

Ohkay.
So update on my life.
I need to get it out so bad.
Ugh.
Here we go.

Have you ever been so in love with someome that you don't even care if they're with you as long as they're happy.
Maybe at one point you were both really in love but you mental illness or sickness of whatever sort got in the way and so you both knew it had to be ended for the better health.
Well that's what happened to me.
I was dumb enough to get into another relationship with someone after that.
So fucking dumb.
I know who I am. What I am. And what I do to men.
I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And I let him fall in love with me immediately.
Of course never being over the first guy.
Wtfe ever right. It couldn't have been that bad right?
No. Wrong.
Very wrong.
I was never 100% in the relationship.
Not that I was cheating or flirting with other men. BECAUSE I NEVER WAS. I just wasn't 100% there.
Always very blank
And he was controlling to the max. Beyond any content.
And now he's left heart broken not understanding what I mean when I say "I love you. I'm just not IN love with you."
I don't know if any of this makes sense...
Do you know what I mean...

Not important or not enough.

Contradictory thinking.
Let me know if you come across this too.

I, as a girl with eating issues who is not in recovery, but a relapse would like to be left alone to my eating habits.  So, I would love if no one commented on my intake as well as try to change my ways.
At the same time.
.....Ohkayyy like seriously this is weird.
I feel almost offended that some people are pushing my weight loss to the side like it isn't there when it is very obviously there.
So now I have this thought in my head like why, aren't they worried. Is it because I'm not at my lowest yet?
Some people notice.
And others are pushing it off like it's unreal.
What's wrong with ny head.

the invisables.

as cold and as pale as my fingers tend to be tonight they were kept warm.
newish feeling for me.
not by another person necessarily,
I dunno.
sort of...
every time a lie was spat, another one of my fingers got released onto the counter only to be stuck to the stickiness of the situation.
energy in petty lies brought warmth to my body with, "I'm fine"
"I feel fine"
my pointer finger tapped.
"No really. i'm awesome"
my fuck you finger found it self being pulled towards the finger fucking finger.
"i'm so much better now"
so many lies. so many motions of my fingers racing towards the counter with the hope of being broke instead of just a mere sign of anxiety...depression...weakness.

deeeeep breaaaatheeee

Who's in charge, certainly it's not me anymore.

"what do we all want to do next?"
 my step father is annoying.

-you have me walking all around town, I feel like I might die if I walk anymore-
"can you just drop me off at home so I can start reading my books and you guys can go out"

fucks sake. didn't have to say that twice. they brought me home
books.
I start to read them.
it's not much of reading because I can't focus on the plot line.
blurred lines. blurred intentions. blurred stories of lord only knows what this author was thinking

I decide it's time to eat something. so I go down stairs and pour myself a child sized glass of almond milk and begin walking back upstairs.
NO
then I realize, fuck, I meant food, so I head back down stairs and open my cabinet.
gluten free-vegan protein bar! I grab two!
*I open them both up individually, tear them apart into pieces and toss them in my dogs food bowl. then the wrappers go on the top of the trashcan as evidence. my work here is done. go back upstairs now*
I grabbed my almond milk and...
fuck.
no.
jeasus Christ
I need to fucking eat something.
I open the fridge and plop four grapes into my mouth. (18)
next is the freezer
I grab out the bag of brussel sprouts and pour the rest of what's in the bag
I begin to count how many are in my bowl...one...two...three..four..five....six..........seven..........eight....I take out two of them, I do not want eight. six is my safe number. the extra two join the bowl in which my dog is chewing forsaken protein bars
six brussel sprouts (48) go in my bowl for 2minuetes and 46 seconds.

as soon as that's done I add 1/5 of a tomatoe (15) 1 green onion stalk (10) and two tablespoons of pico de gallo homemade. (20)

then I take a knife to it and cut them it all together in the bowl to make tiny pieces, I wont know the difference when im eating it that it isn't very much even though it looks like a lot.

stop. halt. hold your bloody knickers.
it has me again. im shaking. I don't want to eat it but I know I need to.
(109)
one hundred and nine calories
solid calories
little monsters
regrets

and after typing this incerpt for a solid 36 minuetes I realize it has taken me a full 36 minuetes to finish that bowl.
kms

applaud my audience

I checked my email and oh shit, realized there were a lot of questions you all had sent me that I had never gotten back to. so. Im going to do them in different sequences the next couple day's. I might not get to it right away but I will. I promise.
this is my q&a


Q:  DO YOU THINK YOUR LACK OF RELIGIOUS VIEWS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR EATING DISORDER

A: hi, wow, what a seriously good question. I don't think that my lack of religious views was like a spite of 'god' and that's why I developed an eating disorder. but in a sense I can easily say that my eating disorder has made me skeptical of not god himself but religion in general. As a little girl I was very religious and very 'faith filled' to say the least, that lasted till I was six or seven maybe at the most.  It disappeared quickly though because I began to ponder upon the simple idea of 'why do I feel as disgusting as I do when I worship something that is supposed to do nothing but be perfect for me'. So in a way, I definitely think that my lack of faith came from a deep un-understanding of my eating disorder. in a petty 'why me' sort of way. you feel?

Q; HOW DO YOU MANAGE A BOYFRIEND WITH ALL THAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH?

A:  funnnnnny question. omg I don't manage well. my most recent boyfriend I literally just went through hell, tooth and nail, trying to push him out of my life. He would be mean to me, so I would be mean to him. and he was a cheater. and I was sensitive. and he liked being depressed. and I didn't like being bothered about eating. and apparently a whole bunch happened on my phone today while I was napping but anyways, short story shorter, he essentially posted a tweet hinting that he cheated on me more than omce, another that im stupid, another that im already replaced, and honestly....this is sickening..but I love that pain coming from his words because it pushes me harder to reach the goals I want

Q: ARE THERE ANY PHRASES THAT TRIGGER THE SHIT OUT OF YOU OR JUST ANNOY YOU? OR AM I JUST CRAY

A: lolwutnoway. your not crazy. I hate it when people say things along the lines of "lol starvation diet" "wow you look so healthy" "ugh god you are so perfect and skinny I wish I was you" "im so happy to see you eating" stuff along those lines. i'm sure you feel me, right(:


Q: DO YOU THINK 'SKINNY LOVE' IS ABOUT WHAT WE THINK IT'S ABOUT?

A: honestly? no. I DON'T think that skinny love is about a girl with an eating disorder. I think it's about a relationship that's running out of reasons to go on, almost running out of love. and both people want it to 'last the year' but because of the malnourishment of the relationship things may not being going as hoped or things may be getting worse so it's not full anymore. it's empty.


Q: IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SCARED OF.


A: physically? no. but there's this song called 'weightless' and it's by MI. I heard it on my Pandora the other day and it literally gave me chills. it's a terribly made song but the first verse had me shaking with how disturbing it sounds. omg yea that was the last time I was actually scared.
Q: AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE?

A: no.

Q: I DON'T STARVE MYSELF, I DON'T SELF HARM, AND I'M NOT DEPRESSED OR ANYTHING. BUT I OFTEN GET THE URGE TO DO ALL OF IT. DOES THAT MEAN I'M GOING TO SOONER OR LATER.

A: alright, i'm going to be closing out this sequence of questions with this answer because it's going to be a long one.
You may think about doing those things every so often because, every single person has in their life. it's a matter of pursue.
not a single person has  looked at themselves at least once and not been disappointed at least once
that's life. give or take.
but before you feel compelled to take that next step I want you to know something important.
self harm is not a matter of 'I was gonna cut myself once but I was afraid it might hurt.'
it is a matter of addictive behavior that can leave over 500+ different scars on your beautiful body.
secondly as for starving yourself, it should not be a 'choice' or a 'sometimes' thing. the only thing that starving yourself is going to bring you is NOTHING. it's going to take a good amount of things from your life. fun, friends, family, health, school, experiences, love, parties, sex, driving. yes even driving, when im below a certain weight I can't drive. when i'm so far deep in my anorexia, I don't even try to stop it. it's all that matters. I don't care if my dad dies, I don't care if I've litteraly faught and made someone I love hate me and made them want to move on because all that matters right now is dropping weight and numbing out. because I just listen to it..
look in a mirror. pull the hair away from your face, and tell yourself how much you need that person staring in the mirror back at you to stay strong, because that is the person you need the most right now.
you're beautiful, inside and out,
don't do this.

anyone anywhere could be hurting

today I was sitting on the inside of the hotel im staying at. messy bun, layers of sweats and a blanket wrapped around me.
and this boy came up to me, older but not by much.
guitar in his hand.
and he just sat there, for a good three or four minuets.
next to me.
we shared silence along with feet tapping and an occasionally sigh that was very obviously held out for much too long.
then I got chills in my body and sucked in only to begin coughing from inhaling my own spit.
he didn't look at me or anything.
he just chuckled to himself.
"It sucks doesn't it"
omg, I thought. he just fucking spoke to me, but I was so shocked I had to double check with a "hmmm???"
right back to him.
he kinda just raised his eye brows and tilted his head to make eye contact with me. so I was like :Oh yeaah I hate it when I choke on my spit. wrong way of seeming attractive."
"no." he said and then he slowly waved his hand infront of my face. then he grabbed my hand and motioned I do the same to him so I did. and quickly I realized that neither of the expressions on our face had changed,
unamused
unphased
unalive
"tell me what you think...ok?"
he picked up his guitar and started
ed sheeran was his choice
a contemplation of varius songs
and though it was an amazing work of art and he had a beautiful something I could not get past his necklace. it was like a locket except clear. and inside of it were different colored hospital bracelets. all crammed into a half dollar sized, clear locket.
I don't know why I did it but, I put  my hand on the strings of his guitar to stop all noise and just starred at him. "it's ohkay to be sad. helpless and even lost sometimes." he was doing the whole talking thing without looking at me again. I moved my hand up his sleeve to stare at his couple day old cuts "it's easier said than done isn't it"
he smiled chuckled one more time than stood up and put his hand on my hair, and then kissed my forhead.
"ill see you down here in the morning. 5am. for.." he raised his eyebrows again, "breakfast.." he saw the panic in my face with that word and smiled big. "don't be late" then he walked off.

OMG IS THIS REAL LIFE.