Nailed in numb

Ohkay.
So update on my life.
I need to get it out so bad.
Ugh.
Here we go.

Have you ever been so in love with someome that you don't even care if they're with you as long as they're happy.
Maybe at one point you were both really in love but you mental illness or sickness of whatever sort got in the way and so you both knew it had to be ended for the better health.
Well that's what happened to me.
I was dumb enough to get into another relationship with someone after that.
So fucking dumb.
I know who I am. What I am. And what I do to men.
I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And I let him fall in love with me immediately.
Of course never being over the first guy.
Wtfe ever right. It couldn't have been that bad right?
No. Wrong.
Very wrong.
I was never 100% in the relationship.
Not that I was cheating or flirting with other men. BECAUSE I NEVER WAS. I just wasn't 100% there.
Always very blank
And he was controlling to the max. Beyond any content.
And now he's left heart broken not understanding what I mean when I say "I love you. I'm just not IN love with you."
I don't know if any of this makes sense...
Do you know what I mean...

Not important or not enough.

Contradictory thinking.
Let me know if you come across this too.

I, as a girl with eating issues who is not in recovery, but a relapse would like to be left alone to my eating habits.  So, I would love if no one commented on my intake as well as try to change my ways.
At the same time.
.....Ohkayyy like seriously this is weird.
I feel almost offended that some people are pushing my weight loss to the side like it isn't there when it is very obviously there.
So now I have this thought in my head like why, aren't they worried. Is it because I'm not at my lowest yet?
Some people notice.
And others are pushing it off like it's unreal.
What's wrong with ny head.