What's stopping me

I've been lackijg on posting often
Which is my fault. I've been busy.  I've been relapsing. I've been losing and gaining
Two steps foward one step back type of feel.
I got diahnosed with celiac disease so once safe foods arent safe or else I bloat up until I look months on montha pregnant.
I'm going to start updating more often.
More interesting topics. Going off to college guys♡

So I'll be talking about college, struggles, and maybe even boys. I'm going to post once more before bed tonight so stay in tuned♡

Brb

Nailed in numb

Ohkay.
So update on my life.
I need to get it out so bad.
Ugh.
Here we go.

Have you ever been so in love with someome that you don't even care if they're with you as long as they're happy.
Maybe at one point you were both really in love but you mental illness or sickness of whatever sort got in the way and so you both knew it had to be ended for the better health.
Well that's what happened to me.
I was dumb enough to get into another relationship with someone after that.
So fucking dumb.
I know who I am. What I am. And what I do to men.
I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And I let him fall in love with me immediately.
Of course never being over the first guy.
Wtfe ever right. It couldn't have been that bad right?
No. Wrong.
Very wrong.
I was never 100% in the relationship.
Not that I was cheating or flirting with other men. BECAUSE I NEVER WAS. I just wasn't 100% there.
Always very blank
And he was controlling to the max. Beyond any content.
And now he's left heart broken not understanding what I mean when I say "I love you. I'm just not IN love with you."
I don't know if any of this makes sense...
Do you know what I mean...

Not important or not enough.

Contradictory thinking.
Let me know if you come across this too.

I, as a girl with eating issues who is not in recovery, but a relapse would like to be left alone to my eating habits.  So, I would love if no one commented on my intake as well as try to change my ways.
At the same time.
.....Ohkayyy like seriously this is weird.
I feel almost offended that some people are pushing my weight loss to the side like it isn't there when it is very obviously there.
So now I have this thought in my head like why, aren't they worried. Is it because I'm not at my lowest yet?
Some people notice.
And others are pushing it off like it's unreal.
What's wrong with ny head.

the invisables.

as cold and as pale as my fingers tend to be tonight they were kept warm.
newish feeling for me.
not by another person necessarily,
I dunno.
sort of...
every time a lie was spat, another one of my fingers got released onto the counter only to be stuck to the stickiness of the situation.
energy in petty lies brought warmth to my body with, "I'm fine"
"I feel fine"
my pointer finger tapped.
"No really. i'm awesome"
my fuck you finger found it self being pulled towards the finger fucking finger.
"i'm so much better now"
so many lies. so many motions of my fingers racing towards the counter with the hope of being broke instead of just a mere sign of anxiety...depression...weakness.

deeeeep breaaaatheeee

Who's in charge, certainly it's not me anymore.

"what do we all want to do next?"
 my step father is annoying.

-you have me walking all around town, I feel like I might die if I walk anymore-
"can you just drop me off at home so I can start reading my books and you guys can go out"

fucks sake. didn't have to say that twice. they brought me home
books.
I start to read them.
it's not much of reading because I can't focus on the plot line.
blurred lines. blurred intentions. blurred stories of lord only knows what this author was thinking

I decide it's time to eat something. so I go down stairs and pour myself a child sized glass of almond milk and begin walking back upstairs.
NO
then I realize, fuck, I meant food, so I head back down stairs and open my cabinet.
gluten free-vegan protein bar! I grab two!
*I open them both up individually, tear them apart into pieces and toss them in my dogs food bowl. then the wrappers go on the top of the trashcan as evidence. my work here is done. go back upstairs now*
I grabbed my almond milk and...
fuck.
no.
jeasus Christ
I need to fucking eat something.
I open the fridge and plop four grapes into my mouth. (18)
next is the freezer
I grab out the bag of brussel sprouts and pour the rest of what's in the bag
I begin to count how many are in my bowl...one...two...three..four..five....six..........seven..........eight....I take out two of them, I do not want eight. six is my safe number. the extra two join the bowl in which my dog is chewing forsaken protein bars
six brussel sprouts (48) go in my bowl for 2minuetes and 46 seconds.

as soon as that's done I add 1/5 of a tomatoe (15) 1 green onion stalk (10) and two tablespoons of pico de gallo homemade. (20)

then I take a knife to it and cut them it all together in the bowl to make tiny pieces, I wont know the difference when im eating it that it isn't very much even though it looks like a lot.

stop. halt. hold your bloody knickers.
it has me again. im shaking. I don't want to eat it but I know I need to.
(109)
one hundred and nine calories
solid calories
little monsters
regrets

and after typing this incerpt for a solid 36 minuetes I realize it has taken me a full 36 minuetes to finish that bowl.
kms

applaud my audience

I checked my email and oh shit, realized there were a lot of questions you all had sent me that I had never gotten back to. so. Im going to do them in different sequences the next couple day's. I might not get to it right away but I will. I promise.
this is my q&a


Q:  DO YOU THINK YOUR LACK OF RELIGIOUS VIEWS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR EATING DISORDER

A: hi, wow, what a seriously good question. I don't think that my lack of religious views was like a spite of 'god' and that's why I developed an eating disorder. but in a sense I can easily say that my eating disorder has made me skeptical of not god himself but religion in general. As a little girl I was very religious and very 'faith filled' to say the least, that lasted till I was six or seven maybe at the most.  It disappeared quickly though because I began to ponder upon the simple idea of 'why do I feel as disgusting as I do when I worship something that is supposed to do nothing but be perfect for me'. So in a way, I definitely think that my lack of faith came from a deep un-understanding of my eating disorder. in a petty 'why me' sort of way. you feel?

Q; HOW DO YOU MANAGE A BOYFRIEND WITH ALL THAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH?

A:  funnnnnny question. omg I don't manage well. my most recent boyfriend I literally just went through hell, tooth and nail, trying to push him out of my life. He would be mean to me, so I would be mean to him. and he was a cheater. and I was sensitive. and he liked being depressed. and I didn't like being bothered about eating. and apparently a whole bunch happened on my phone today while I was napping but anyways, short story shorter, he essentially posted a tweet hinting that he cheated on me more than omce, another that im stupid, another that im already replaced, and honestly....this is sickening..but I love that pain coming from his words because it pushes me harder to reach the goals I want

Q: ARE THERE ANY PHRASES THAT TRIGGER THE SHIT OUT OF YOU OR JUST ANNOY YOU? OR AM I JUST CRAY

A: lolwutnoway. your not crazy. I hate it when people say things along the lines of "lol starvation diet" "wow you look so healthy" "ugh god you are so perfect and skinny I wish I was you" "im so happy to see you eating" stuff along those lines. i'm sure you feel me, right(:


Q: DO YOU THINK 'SKINNY LOVE' IS ABOUT WHAT WE THINK IT'S ABOUT?

A: honestly? no. I DON'T think that skinny love is about a girl with an eating disorder. I think it's about a relationship that's running out of reasons to go on, almost running out of love. and both people want it to 'last the year' but because of the malnourishment of the relationship things may not being going as hoped or things may be getting worse so it's not full anymore. it's empty.


Q: IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SCARED OF.


A: physically? no. but there's this song called 'weightless' and it's by MI. I heard it on my Pandora the other day and it literally gave me chills. it's a terribly made song but the first verse had me shaking with how disturbing it sounds. omg yea that was the last time I was actually scared.
Q: AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE?

A: no.

Q: I DON'T STARVE MYSELF, I DON'T SELF HARM, AND I'M NOT DEPRESSED OR ANYTHING. BUT I OFTEN GET THE URGE TO DO ALL OF IT. DOES THAT MEAN I'M GOING TO SOONER OR LATER.

A: alright, i'm going to be closing out this sequence of questions with this answer because it's going to be a long one.
You may think about doing those things every so often because, every single person has in their life. it's a matter of pursue.
not a single person has  looked at themselves at least once and not been disappointed at least once
that's life. give or take.
but before you feel compelled to take that next step I want you to know something important.
self harm is not a matter of 'I was gonna cut myself once but I was afraid it might hurt.'
it is a matter of addictive behavior that can leave over 500+ different scars on your beautiful body.
secondly as for starving yourself, it should not be a 'choice' or a 'sometimes' thing. the only thing that starving yourself is going to bring you is NOTHING. it's going to take a good amount of things from your life. fun, friends, family, health, school, experiences, love, parties, sex, driving. yes even driving, when im below a certain weight I can't drive. when i'm so far deep in my anorexia, I don't even try to stop it. it's all that matters. I don't care if my dad dies, I don't care if I've litteraly faught and made someone I love hate me and made them want to move on because all that matters right now is dropping weight and numbing out. because I just listen to it..
look in a mirror. pull the hair away from your face, and tell yourself how much you need that person staring in the mirror back at you to stay strong, because that is the person you need the most right now.
you're beautiful, inside and out,
don't do this.

anyone anywhere could be hurting

today I was sitting on the inside of the hotel im staying at. messy bun, layers of sweats and a blanket wrapped around me.
and this boy came up to me, older but not by much.
guitar in his hand.
and he just sat there, for a good three or four minuets.
next to me.
we shared silence along with feet tapping and an occasionally sigh that was very obviously held out for much too long.
then I got chills in my body and sucked in only to begin coughing from inhaling my own spit.
he didn't look at me or anything.
he just chuckled to himself.
"It sucks doesn't it"
omg, I thought. he just fucking spoke to me, but I was so shocked I had to double check with a "hmmm???"
right back to him.
he kinda just raised his eye brows and tilted his head to make eye contact with me. so I was like :Oh yeaah I hate it when I choke on my spit. wrong way of seeming attractive."
"no." he said and then he slowly waved his hand infront of my face. then he grabbed my hand and motioned I do the same to him so I did. and quickly I realized that neither of the expressions on our face had changed,
unamused
unphased
unalive
"tell me what you think...ok?"
he picked up his guitar and started
ed sheeran was his choice
a contemplation of varius songs
and though it was an amazing work of art and he had a beautiful something I could not get past his necklace. it was like a locket except clear. and inside of it were different colored hospital bracelets. all crammed into a half dollar sized, clear locket.
I don't know why I did it but, I put  my hand on the strings of his guitar to stop all noise and just starred at him. "it's ohkay to be sad. helpless and even lost sometimes." he was doing the whole talking thing without looking at me again. I moved my hand up his sleeve to stare at his couple day old cuts "it's easier said than done isn't it"
he smiled chuckled one more time than stood up and put his hand on my hair, and then kissed my forhead.
"ill see you down here in the morning. 5am. for.." he raised his eyebrows again, "breakfast.." he saw the panic in my face with that word and smiled big. "don't be late" then he walked off.

OMG IS THIS REAL LIFE.

naked.

The more weight i lose the more numb i am.
The more numb i am the happier i am when people around me are happy.
But when things are rough, they're a thousand times harder.
Oh well.
It's deserved.
M came back into my life today.
And I'm not sure what to say.
He says he has a lot to show me and he understands if it takes me a while to trust him again as long as i eventually accept the past and move on from his mistakes.
You. Poisoned. My. Drip. Feed. And. You. Want. Me. To. Forgive. You.
I'm so curious to hear what he has to say though. He looks so much like the older M. Nothing like what he looked like last summer.
I'm leaving town for a week and a half on Saturday.
nerve racking.
Eating out and not being able to skip most meals is going to classify as a beached whale.
This post makes no sense I'm so sorry.

safe and sound

i'm dropping weight feels like im getting fatter
not enough
it's making me feel so amazing. and i'm looking forward to being tiny again. He isn't talking to me i'm not talking to him I dunno. like im not texting him back but he's sending me back "ok" after I answer his questions so I have no reason to text him back. I have a friend who pretty much was like "let's help each other out" so im taking that for everything it is. let's starve
im so confused and mad don't talk to me talk to me

vent moment

"You're beautiful. Theres no one else i'd rather have. you're perfect"

you're favoriting pictures of girls that post pictures of them selves with little to no clothning on fucking twitter who have fat asses and big tits and who look nothing like me. girls who are slutty. girls who would have mindless sex or do sexual favors for men. so I've fucking learned first hand is more important than love. obviously. I don't do that. I don't offer myself up to anyone nor do I give you any reason to believe as though I would do so. it's whatever though..don't worry while you're over here loving them big booty bitches, i'm going to be over here making sure i'm the motherfucking opposite of them.

oh thankyou so much, that means a lot.

watermelon pucker, wanel, and weigh ins

I just wanna get drunk, hide somewhere in the midst of a forrest, fall asleep and never wake up

some pants I ordered several months ago from wanelo came in today.
they're to big. how? I'm big


i have a weigh in tomorrow
I love the look on their face when they tell me I've dropped weight, no matter if it's pounds or ounces.


i always pig out the day before weigh ins if only to cheat it a bit.
three different smoothies.
vanilla shredder. (180)
green life (120)
lean chocolate (245)

not that that's much to the normal eye. whatever.
i feel so full and disgusting
(545)
(five hundred and forty five)
(fatassfatassfatassfatassfattt)
that number is so close to 600.
i eat 600 calories in three days. not one.
whatever.
anyways, im getting so anxious about food again that im starting to be freaked out by even gas station coffee because im not 100% sure what calories are in it.
it's disgusting how much i wanna die. whatever.

here's some toilet paper to wipe your ass..

THANKS FOR SHIITING ON MY NIGHT.

my mom was like
"I bet youll go bulimic like her"
no you're just paranoyed mom. ask/say some stupid shit again and ill punch you square in the mouth.

giant rant ( not about any specific one person)

secondly, I don't know how to cope with shit and you know it so you scream at me because of snap chats
oh god shoot me now
oh you're more sad than me? awesome lets compare depression why don't we ?
oh you want to kill yourself? you're talking to a girl who's had her stomach pumped numerous times, but you're want to be dead is much more important than mine.
oh gosh..you haven't eaten since breakfast. jesus I bet you can barely walk.
oh you want a body like mine? I bet you're just dying to strave yourself.
oh you think ill end up like her? fuck I could only wish to be six feet under away from you (': that lucky bitch her.
oh, your thoughts are making you really axious about us? fuck. my bad, let me just push my anxiety, depression, anorexia,medical complications, migraines, hunger pains and all that jazz to the side so I can remind you how much I love you.
right? because I don't say it enough?
right? because im the unfaithful one?
yea, you hate yourself. hi. I get that. completely.
but really. why do you say half the shit you say.
dear everyone that's been so rude to me today.
I don't mind being your punching bag or step stool every once in a while. but don't take advantage of it,
all I want is to see you guys smile. so please stop taking mine away

take it from the people like us (rant)

I have a very big issue when people comment on the things im eating/wanting to eat/or in the mood to eat.

for example.

Scenerio 1:
let's say you and I are at walmart and im looking through ice creams cause maybe I decided this week I would challenge myself with some ice cream. and I pick up salted carmel instead of vanilla. and you say something as little as "why are you getting that one and not the vanilla" I automatically don't want either now because you had to go fuck it up with your big mouth. do not ask me why. but that's just how I am.


Scenerioa two:

If I'm eating something you don't like, like maybe jalapeno bread, why in the any other hell would you come up to me and be like "that looks disgusting/that smells so gross/i would never eat that." And there ya go. Just like that. I don't want it anymore. Appetite ruined.

scenario threeeee: (BIGGEST PETPEVE EVVVVER. k maybe not ever but this gets to me bad)

any body with an eating disorder knows this very well with me, when you get in the mood to eat a specific thing from a specific place you will not rest till you get that one thing. weather you starve until you finally get the chance to get one thing or you eat and eat and eat and eat everything in sight until your craving is fulfilled. you don't stop until you get what you want. so for me, the thing I often crave is frozen yogurt. so how much pain can you imagine me being in when I haven't eaten for five days and decide I want fro yo but and my mom let's me know that the fro yo and toppings I got aren't healthy. bitch no.

scenario four:
"just eat helthy, and you will stay skinny you don't need to starve yourself"
"just have a salad"

ohkay yes I have fear foods but if I have a salad and a veggie burger infront of me, im not going to choose the salad because it's healthier. im not going to choose either because IM NOT IN THE MOOD TO EAT AND ILL FEEL LIKE SHIT REGUARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS.

And it ain't hard to see who you are underneath

iIn several days.
The man i love will be momentarily moving to wisconsin.
Because of this distance he's been trying, nail and tooth, to make me hate him.
He's so stupid.
Yes a lot has changed.
But not for the bad.

And honestly, i don't want anyone but him.
He doesn't really understand that I'm in love with every little thing he does.
When we're mad at each other, and he's talking to me and messes up a word and he looks at me to see if i noticed he fucked up his sentence and i try so hard not to laugh and he tries so hard not to smile..
And falling asleep in his arms? It's like heaven, and the first words i hear when waking up are "hi beautiful" or something along those lines.
I can see and feel regret when he feels it and even though i shouldn't, i still trust him with my heart.
I'll post more about this later when I'm less sick.

Anyways,  disorder wise.
I'm losing weight and have predeveloping pneumonia and bronchitis so we'll see which one develops first.

prologue

i'm waiting. waiting for something more. waiting to be told that this isn't what's wrong with me and this isn't different. I am not just some case of a stereotypical eating disorder portrayed by medias where abouts of glamorization and how it's so much more fab in a big fancy state than it is in a shit hole mountain.
im sitting in this chair, big , comfy and blue, remembering, reminiscing how it used to consume me whole. it made me feel safe, like it was a fortress that nobody could harm me in while I watched movies..although that's how I felt in every recliner at 78, 87, 92 lbs... but now. I fit the chair..so normal so average sooooo mediocre.
it's noon. the sun is bright and I need to go see someone. that would mean skipping four  different appointments. four. Therapy 1:30, Routine checkup 3, Nutritionest/ dietician 3:30, group at 6.
I want to skip these. I know I can't but I want to. i'm not quite sure how long I can keep it up. I am in constant lies. I drown myself in them. "I already ate, im going to eat later, my stomach hurts, I had a big previous meal" "oh no this amount is fine, no I don't mind this much on my plate at all, don't worry im strong," "I feel so much better, im so much happier, I have a lot more ups than downs anymore, like has been so great"
do you feel me ? the disgust in each little lie. each manipulation. each crooked smirk. the amazing eye contact I can hold while lying, well ana, she's taught me so good hasn't she. yes, she taught me how to distance myself from everything and everyone. 
"Just eat."
just fuck off.
"you have to eat or ill be mad"
you have to fuck off or ill be mad
"im not going to let you kill yourself"
why do you get to want to disappear as much as me, but only YOU are aloud to do so.
it's melting off again.
slowly, but surely.
every ounce, it drags on me. I know this because I see it. and I feel it.
this was so jumbled in thought's im sorry to who reads this.

disgust

im depressed today. maybe more than i have ever been. i don't want to leave my room at all ever.
i am away from my phone
away from my family
as far away from friends as i can be
im sitting infront of my mirror half naked.
crying and pinching at my fat because it shows failure, inability, and weakness.
i cant begin to describe how i feel right now because it's nearly impossible.
all i know is that i don't know why this is happening to me.

i litterally disgust myself.

Run Away Baby

screaming inside my brain

i look fatter. havent lose any weight since my last weigh in
failure.disgusting.you cant do anything right. people tell you as much truth as those who hate you. everyone hates you.

it's nights like this where i completly get why people cut themselves.
theres something inside of you,
 and it tells you
you want to die
that you can't take the clutter brain anymore. and it's like eating at you that you need to get rid of the problem and when you think the problem is you, what can you really do. there isnt much that you can except kill yourself and when people cut themselves i imagine that they feel like they're getting what they deserve i need to get what i fucking deserve


medically. i'm currently fucked. i try to poop and practically make myself pass out dark from the amount of preassure i'm putting on my body but then after that i never poop so i probably have a weeks worth of whatever the fuck i ate just chilling in my stomach. which is shit.
i loook like a pregnant bitch.
starve yourself harder if your fat enough to look pregnant

im acting so selfish right now.
i left my phone at home, took my step dads handheld and just walked. walked away from my house.
from my house. from the deomons inside of my head
from the people who tell me on a daily basis i'm not good enough

running out of time

i've been thinking alot latley about my habbits now
and how they differed to my habbits when i first got diagnosed
and how even those could have still been there even earlier in my life

every couple weeks day i realise something else that i did that showed some sort of habit when i was younger
and everytime
the age the i realise it's at get's lower.
so has this always been a thing inside of me ??
seventeen years old: christmas eve i had a mental breakdown in my bathroom because my size 0 dress pants were tight so i severly restricted the next day
seventeen years old: i met a boy who, at that time knew nothing about my eating disorder. he thought i ate all the time. little did he realise i was only eating around him (once or twice a week) to make him feel normal
sixteen going on seventeen years old. a month out of inpaitent and almost at a normal weight, i forced my best friend to eat all the food on my plate during my birthday party
sixteen years old: i changed my religion several times because they were more "peaceful" aka i could get away with "religious" fasting
sixteen years old: i began a droor in my room where i put all the "recovery" snacks my mom bought me and took them to school and fed them to my friends. this droor was not small nor empty
sixteen years old: i signed up for all advanced AND intermediate/advanced classes to get an extra work out, in other words, burn a shit ton of calories, and keep myself busy from even being nea food
fourteen years old: i gave my lunch at school to whatever black guy came up to me first during lunch.
fourteen years old: it didnt matter if it meant walking around alone or not. i almost always refused to sit during lunch because i felt, i needed to continue burning calories from breakfast that morning
thirteen years old: i used my lunch money for clothes and coffee
thirteen years old: i couldnt change in the girls locker room without having a panic attack because a girl made fun of my thighs not touching
twelve years old: i bought a pair of pants a size too small to make them my goal pants. they were a childrens size 8-10years olds. i was a size 10-12 year old.
eleven years old: sudden veganism
ten years old: screaming at my mom and a benefit show because "why can't i eat what i want to eat mommy?"
nine years old: secretly taking my moms ALI diet pills when she was at work religously
nine years old: first time i remember being on a scale cause i was curious
eight years old: i tried to make myself throw up after a meal. it didnt work and i was pissed.
six years old:my mom got called in and questioned by my school counselor on if we needed financial help because i was unfortunetly thinner than the other children and they thought i was starving, my mom was just never around much at that age to realise that i was refusing my dads nanny to eat anything she made.
four  years old: i drank water cause i liked "the way it made my tummy feel full" but i wouldnt eat food because it made me feel like "caca

has this always been here......

Selfish

guys,
am i selfish ?
i got told recently that im selfish and it makes me wonder..am i?

i have an extreamly weathy father
and my mom, maybe not as wealthy but still pretty darn wealthy
i have a car i get to use, money i get to spend.
i almost always get what i want
i get these crazy opportunities that not alot of other people get

• i was asked to go on tour
• my darling mom and step dad pay a redic bill every month for me to do what i love
• my comp bills alone are 983$

i have a phanominal life, so why is it that i'm so unable to be happy. ofcourse i realise that it isn't my fault that i have unnaturally low serotonin levels in my brain because my body doesn't produce enough but im wondering why me.
like i'm a damn princess. honestly. i live like one so why is this all happening to me.
i'm not trying to sound petty but god damn it makes me feel pathetic.
is that wrong , im not sure.

wonderful wonderful

"cognitive disortion
resistance to therapy
socio-cultural influences
distorted and disfunctional thoguhts
body disatisfaction
personal vulnerability
tramatic life events
family interaction patterns
parental concern of weight and beauty
early onset of menstration
perfectionism
depression
predeposition to phsychopatholgy
neglect
abandonment
 loss
looking back, 19 years, 10 psychiatrists, 24 hospitalizations, 14 feeding tubes, and 17 iv pottassium pumps later, i realize that these words define me as an individual. And without them. i am lost"

Pavlov's unsucessful expeirment

ohkay give me a moment to rant.


what the fuck is pro ana
why would someone be pro ana.
darling if you are 'choosing' to be anorexic then do the normal bitch thing and go on a petty diet.
like get out of my face with that shit. it's some of the most annoying thing that has ever come across me
honestly.
it really gets me that you sit there, on your damn phone like
"omg ana forever. for every rt ill do two sit ups and starve for an hour."

OH SHIT BITCH A WHOLE HOUR, BE CAREFUL YOU MIGHT FALL OVER

like it makes me so mad.

another thing that pisses me off is the pro anas that are like
"Once i have a thigh gap and a cute boyfriend and nice boobies i'll stop"
uhm first off
reality check
 Did you know that if you starve yourself enough to get a "thigh gap" YOU ARENT GOING TO HAVE BOOBS YOU DUMB BITCH BECAUSE YOU'RE BODY WILL BE FEEDING OFF THE BOOB FAT

secondly, if all you're concerned about is getting a fucking thigh gap and a nice body, just work the fuck out because it's really insulting in my opinion.

"once i can fit my hand around my thigh ill be ohkay"

that isnt even what it's like you dipshit.
once you can fit it around your thigh you'll want to be able to fit it higher up around your thigh, and once you can do that, you'll want a gap between your thighs and your hands, and so on.

it's just sickening to think that you're encouraging something that i've been in the hospital more than once for.
 my hair falls out.
 i have languo.
dangerous heart rhythms.
reduced blood flow. (i can't do anything without something falling asleep)
low blood preassure
Practically non existant fertility (yeah that's right. there like a 2 in 25 chance i could have a baby)
disordered thinking.
peripheral neuropathy
severe mood swings
depression
sudden weakness
slowed thinking
poor memory
dry skin
brittle nails
constipation and bloating (in the entire body, making me look fatter than i am)
tooth decay
dizziness, fainting, and some damn good headaches

AND THAT'S JUST THE PHYSICAL STUFF OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD NOW LET'S NOT FORGET

*I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE I'D RATHER BE LEFT ALONE WITH MY EATING DISORDER.
*I DON'T EVER REALLY GO OUT BECAUSE I FEEL TO FAT.
*I THREW AWAY MY HIGHSCHOOL YEARS GOING IN AND OUT OF MY TREATMENT CENTERS AND HOSPITALIZATIONS
*MY FAMILY DOESN'T TRUST ME
*I CAN'T EVEN TELL MY BOYFRIEND THE TRUTH BECAUSE I'D RATHER HIM THINK I'M OK RATHER THAN I HAVENT EATEN IN DAYS.


but you know since that's what you all want so bad, go for it
here, you can have my mental disorder, please take it. it's alllllllll fucking yours bitch,

is it still as glamorous as you'd hoped.

P R E S S U R E

"i hate the way you smile when you kiss me.."


measure body
get on scale
 put pants on
take off pants
what are pants
re-weigh self.
thoughts; omg no is that really the real number. omg no kill me


ohkay so recently i got an email with relationship concerns.
a friend of mine was asking for advice on how to withhold a relationship and their eating disorder at the same time.
well here's my advice.

unless you have any intentions of recovering, i dont think it's going to fucking work.
people who don't have issues can't relate to people who have issues.
they get to caught in their thoughts trying to think of a way to fix you
it's terrible
i dont suggest it but ive seen it happen?

Up to date?

1 being the worst 10 being the best.

Depression: 5.
Anxiety: 4
Eating disorder : -3;2+37372;38'29

So, i know exactly what my eating disorder is telling me to do.
I get it but I'm trying so hard not to scare the people that stand by my side no matter what.
I'm losing weight. But not quickly which is ok because i can't stand other people wanting to get in my buisness already.
But on the other hand, my eating disorder makes me feel like the longer i take to lose thos weight, the more worthless i am.
It's true though.
Just like two more months and i can do me.
I can starve and not have the "oh shit, suddenly all my costumes are to big for recital" moment AGAIN this year.
Just please let me push through two more months of this.
Just after nationals.

Sacrifices..

Today i had to make a sacrifice for my health.
Emotional health.
For the past five/six months ive been really in love and am still very in love with this boy.
Handsome,
But ya know things are not always as they seem.
He knows everything, (well almost everything about me)
And he thinks i never loved him.
Today
He told me that i was a fucking lie.
He knew i never loved him because my best friend had the braclet he gave me for valentines day.
But heres the thing,
I didnt GIVE the braclet to my best friend
I had to take it off when i went to the hospital several nights ago..a hospital trip he knew about.
Damn well. You can't have anything metal on during xrays / catscans and why that isnt clicking in his brain I'm not sure.

So i obviously had to tell him good bye. Of course he thinks this is about me not loving him and all but it's not. Its about myself. And me needing to choose my health. Day after day recently had been him fighting me on the smallest of things like not texting him back, while i had been at disney land, and his insecurity that I'd cheat on him even though I've never given him a single reason to think or believe that i had cheated.
I couldn't sleep, because i didnt want him to think i was ignoring him.
And as you all know.
For someone with eating disorders
That's the kind of relationship that will send you sky rocketing into the deep end of your pool.
And im already 3/4ths there.
It hurts so bad because i know i didnt want to say goodbye but i had to.
_________________________________
(Continued)
Yesterday was probably the last day ill see him in a long while.
But it isn't the end.
I'm done denying my anorexia
Im done telling people I'm happy
I fell apart last night when i got home
Now I'm ready. To drop. To hopefully like myself a little more.
I'm so blank.
Empty...
Welcome to my life this past seventeen years..

Email me.
Tell me about the hardest decision you've ever had to make..

And only a single person GAVE A FLYING FUCK

ohkay rant time
lets be mother fucking honest
ANYONE WHO'S KNOWN ME OR KNOWN ABOUT ME FOR THE OAST SEVERAL YEARS HAS KNOWN
im that girl with the eating disorder.
in and out of treatment centers and hospitalizations.
and her i am. yet again dropping weight quick as hell
only a single person has taken the time to stop and say

"Ange, are you ohkay...ya know. nevermind, dont tell me ,i already know...Ange everything is going to be ok. i pinky promise."

AND IT WASNT MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND,
THE ONLY THING HE'S REALLY HAD TO SAY TO ME TODAY WAS
"you're being really short with me. can you not be short and just flirt with me"

im sorry but i found that really rude.
he woke me up twice last night for stupid ass shit then wants my full attention to be on him and like fucking 7am in the morning. like helllllloooooooo can you not.
what the hell is your issue
its not like you dont know how many issues im having with myself again
how many old behaviors are coming back. and you cant even ask if im ohkay because you want me to fucking flirt with you.
IM TRYING NOT TO KILL YOUR VIBE YOU IGNORANT FUCK. IF I NEED TO BE QUIET, LET ME SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE QUIET.
THE DEATH OF GIUILIA IS STILL AFFECTING ME.
YOU ALWAYS YELLING AT ME IS AFFECTING ME.
LIKE DOES NO ONE GET THAT
IF YOU ANNOY ME, MAKE ME MAD, OR KILL MY VIBE IN ANY WAY WHAT LITTLE APPETITE I DID HAVE IS FUCKING GONE.

MY RANT IS NOW OVER. so sorry...

things that give me anxiety?

so recently ive been asked ALOT
what things give me anxiety

-being  late
-someone else  being late
-someone making me late
-big family gatherings
-crowded hallways
-being looked at -____- (i know like what the fuck is that shit)
-being yelled at or talked to sternly
-being told to rely a message such as (well you tell him...)
-NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND A BRUSH (this sends me straight into a panic attack)




things that trigger me?
shit this is weird.
do the same things trigger you guys?!

-being yelled at to the point of crying
-being talked to about losing weight (my grandma being like "ive lost three lbs")
-someone asking me about my "vegan diet" i am vegan for animal rights not for diet reasons
-wearing jeans (the number on the jeans freak me out ! weather im a 1, 0, 00)
-not being able to cook my own food
-being asked "hey, im going to grab food, do you want anything"

ill continuely add onto this if something new comes up.

Smart enough to know better, weak enough to lose the battle

I wake up this morning and make myself a warm cup of chamolmille tea with a drop of honey for sweetness.
Then I think "hmmm I should eat"
And even though I want to get up and get food, for whatever reason I feel like my ass is glued to this counter.
And finally after siting there for 20mins I got up and opened the fridge only to get an over whelming feeling of all 'all this shit makes me want to vomit' like I got physically sick.
Why is this happening to me. I wanna be a normal girl.

If i could go back..

if i could go back I would have died the first time around.

Feel it start to permiate

I'm hungry
As fuck
And I'm screaming yes I want something to eat in my head but when I talk I'm saying no outloud
I don't understand
I can smell J's burger. The smell permiating through the air like a poison sinking through my pores.
Jesus Christ I'm going crazy.

My own little dose of personal trigger and relapse

alright.
one of my most main triggers for the past like FOREVER 
has, been,
the feeling of failure to sombody else.
so if i get in trouble and get yelled at it's a trigger.
bad grade? trigger
bad score? trigger
bad hair? MAJOR TRIGGER
(hahahaha, yeah i get triggered when i cant find a brush)
but i think when people yell at me and tell me what im doing wrong or what i need to do is when i get triggered the most just because i dont know how to regain control over myself
maybe?
im not totallly sure yet. anywaysanywaysanyways
for instance.
J.
J is very jelous. anything i do involving another boy i dont hear the fucking end of it
he begins to get mad and say things along the lines of "why the fuck would you do that?? you know what. just do what you want."
which obviouly means theres something he really would rather me do
but he wants me to make the decision but either way is the wrong decision with him so i cant win
at all
ever
and so the starving continues
now do not get me TWISTED 
he is not the reason for my eating disorder
i had it much before i met him
all i am saying is his yelling is not helping with how nicely i feel about myself.

Bubble bubble toil and obesity.

Blahhhhhhhhh, I feel like

Ohkay, I have not eaten a single thing today.
Three cups of water.
Three cups of coffee.
and one cup of bullion with cayenne powder in it.

My boyfriend looked at me and asked "how many books have you read in the past couple weeks"
I knew he saw I was nervous and I couldn't even lie to him about this one so I told him the honest truth..
Eight. Eight books.
His immediate reaction was "you aren't allowed to read past ten until you're on your way to California, you can't just hide in a book to get out of reading."

Blahhhhhhhhh, I wanted to cry

this is me and i just want to be happy.

ive been in a bind latley.
When i can do me and eat how i please i feel so much happier with life and with myself but with the three meals and meal snacks and meal plans and blah blah blah blah.
I should not be dropping right now. but i am. lets be real.
i guess what im saying is i dont care if i die, or get put in inpaitent again or any of that.
i just want to be happy
and yes i know there is that whole im never going to be happy with my body no matter how small i am, i realise that.
but that's just my image. mentally, i am happer when i am starved.
it's sick isnt it ??
yes it is sick and disturbing that i would be willing to admit that
but i am done.
done eating all this nonsense thats only making me unhappy.
like god what is this shit.
 i am not,
 going to be bound,
 by the meal plan society expects me to be on.
i need control over my own life
i need control over my life
i need control over life.
i need control.
i am so much calmer
so much more chill
and its all ok, i promise.
i know the person this is going to confuse the most will be my boyfriend but , sooner or later im hoping he will realise that this ist about him. this is about me.
what i want and what i need.
i know he'll worry but after a while i know he'll see and beleive me when im say that ill be alright.
hopefully
no i know ill be ok
i will be fine.
he is going to understand that my mental disorder is just who i am.
i am happy, anxiety filled, and anorexic.
take me or leave me.
Darling.
you wont have to worry about a thing.
i am going to be fine as long as i can do me. happier ya know.
trust me

Lesbihonest.

I feel extemporaneously conflicted with knowing I should recover, noticing my symptoms of relapse and yet still feeling to weak to tell myself my distorted eating behaviors aren't alright.
I know exactly what is going on.
like an epileptic person.
I am conscious, I know everything that is going on around me and what I'm doing, yet, like a person having a seizure, I am unable to stop.
Good analogy orrrrrr? Ohkay, whateva.
Maybe not.
Anyways. Yeah so I'm slipping again
Doing shit like working out when I wake up.
Going to my normal five hours of practice a day
And then working out when I get home.
Cutting serving sizes in half. And then again.
"Oh! Half a cup of quick oats is 150? I'll eat a third of a cup instead to be safe!"
I want to make everyone else dinner and lunch and food and bake for them, it makes me feel more secure if I'm at least around food.
Water water water water water.
Fighting with the fridge.
And of course lying.
"Ang did you eat yet"
Oh yeah totally of course I ate.
If I say yeah, totally I'm automatically lying or telling half the truth.
Fear foods are sinking back in.
Lol hi, like when the fuck was the last time I didn't have fear over eating fucking bread.
Seriously my anxiety in it all ia fucking me in the ass.

What is recovery?

Is it just the gaining weight of my body
Gaining the periods back
I notice that my doctors often call me a recovered anorexic.
BUT
To me, I don't feel recovered. The only difference is a stabalized weight.
I still struggle looking in the mirror with body dysmorpheia from time to time.
Fear foods are starting to impact my life once again.and I'm trying to eat alot more than I would like but its getting hard.
Even today I'm looking at myself and I've gained a little weight again over getting my period soon but its hard cause I feel as though each of my limbs is a bloated balloon.
Maybe if I eat the same thing every day at the same time I'll be fine with myself.
Im not sure. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
Me, my disorder.
I need to get things together, for myself, my future and my boyfriend.
But what's really scary is its easier said than done.

insomnia kills faster than aids

Ohkay so that's a lie. I'm not sure if insomnia even kills at all, but I do know that if you have ever had insomnia, you know how I feel right now.
I woke up at 3:44 am.
I went to bed at like 11:45pm
After I took four ambien.
And I really didn't even sleep that long.
My tummy is like growling and I just can't even fathom eating right now but coffee sounds good.
Coffee or tea.
Or water I suppose.
Truth me told, I only kinda like bottled water because of the way it tastes in my mouth.
I like being able to feel my hip bones through my back.
Sick. I know.
Ohkay so opinion on calories, shit dude. The little calorie monsters have been eating me like no other. Suddenly numbers are scaring me more than they used to which is weird cause I never obsessed over numbers, I just knew I didn't like feeling full and had a shit load of foods that scared me, yes I tried to stay under 300 a day but never did I look at a grape and think "oh God! That's too much" until recently. So what changed, I'm not totally even 100% sure.
I want to lose ten  to fifteen lbs by spring break(:
If I do, everyone will be mad at me but I want to do it for myself.
Well this was a random
Shittty
4am post.
I'm going to go make coffee, goodnight y'all.

Q & A: questions from you all(:

Q: what are your lowest weights during points of being in the hospital?

A: first time was 82, then 86, then 84, then 92.

Q: what does a normal day look like for you without an eating plan, just doing you

A: in between five and eight cups of coffee, two or three un sweet hot green teas and some broth. (: And maybe half an apple with cinnomen.

Q: how are you managing to maintain A boyfriend and an eating disorder. I feel like my eating disorder is my boyfriend..

A: I have no idea. I've always been really good at not letting different parts of my life collide. So for instance I don't involve my school life with my home life or my home life with my sport life or my sport life with my social life. So I guess I just try not to put my eating disorder and my boyfriend under the same roof. I hide a lot, put on a thousand masked smiles and deal.

Q: surely people know when you're relapsing, how do you react to their reactions? I'm very bad about my temper.

A: reaction? I don't normally give them one. And my reasoning being becaus people flatter themselves tooooo much and are too self centered so if I gave them a reaction they might try to do something like relate my disorder to themselves. If they get no reaction, they have no fuel for their fire because I just pissed on it.

Q: have you been diagnosed with anything else other than anorexia?

A: depression, anxiety, and severe imsomnia .

Q: Did you ever think that maybe if you just smoked some weed, you'd get munchies and it'd cure you not eating.

A: hey Dick face. I smoke weed . On the regular. Good, medical shit. and not once have I been hungry after. You can go shove your theory up your ass anytime now.

Q: if your so under weight why don't you just eat?

A: *throws middle finger up* AND THIS ONE IS TO THE PEOPLE WHO DONT KNOW A DAMN THING. ignorant shits <3

Q: what symptoms did you personally fall under when being diagnosed and did you get any medical complications along with it. I want to be thin thin thin but no medical complications along with it.

A: I held the signs when being diagnosed that I was under bmi by too much.
Excessive concern about weight and body shape
Unexpected weight loss
Secretive eating or discovery that food is missing
Loss of menstrual cycles
Evidence of laxative abuse
Food group avoidance
Skipping meals
Avoiding eating in front of others

WHAT KIND OF MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS

Menstrual irregularities or loss of periods which can result in the inability to have children
Growth of facial hair
Weakening of the heart and other organs due to malnourishment Dehydration
impaired kidney functions
Lowered resistance to infection
Loss of muscle tissue
Dehydration-altered brain function and size
Dizziness, weakness or fainting Chest pain, shortness of breath
Depression and anxiety
Brittle hair and nails Sleep disturbance and fatigue
Severe dental problems including loss of teeth and bone
Close Death experiences.

Q: do you have any advice for people battleing ALL types of eating disorders?

A: you all are so beautiful, so strong, and so powerful. It takes someone unbelievably strong to live through what we do everyday and I just wanted to let you all know that I'm here for you.
I'm not going to give you a bullshit answer like pick up that fork, put away your toothbrush, don't work out, or stop over eating cause that just isn't fair and I know first hand that that's not how it works.
I'm also not going to tell you to recover.
You have to want recovery for there to even be like A 30% chance that you won't relapse, or else it will do nothing but make things worse.
So if you're looking into recovery, just know, you have to want it first.
And for the rest of you who maybe don't want recovery or are like me and relapsing down the shit hole, stay safe. I love you Guys.

<3

WARNING LABEL : for relationship use only.

Hi guys(:
And yes I mean boys!
Haha just kidding, I have a boyfriend. He's amazing, kind of saved my life. More than once. But he doesn't know that.
ANYWAYS.
I decided I need a warning label before anyone dates me just so they know what they're in for. Sooooo, here it goes.
::WARNING::
The person you are about to date has an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. Anxiety and depression don't always play a big part and you won't see them as often as you will the eating disorder. Every cup of coffee, tea, or broth is my eating disorder saying hey what's up. Every minimalized low Cal, healthy snack is my eating disorder saying HEY, YOU CANT PASS OUT YET, IM NOT DONE WITH YOU.
There are days where I will love myself, and days where I will look in the mirror and cry. But 98% of my days are spent in the middle of that spectrum. You will know I'm having a bad body image day if I : refuse to wear jeans, won't drink water, want to cook and bake for everyone else, blank out more than often, look lost, stare at food, Complain of a migraine / stomach pains, or can't even cuddle with you because my subconscious tella me IF YOU LAY DOWN YOU'RE LAZY, IF YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND FOR A WHILE HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO REACH GOAL ONE AGAIN. I do NOT binge often, so do not let me, even if I try. I want to cook and clean and be perfect for you.
And don't forget, if I say I love you. Its soooo real, that if you sat me down to eat, I would push through it because that's what you mean to me. And I would eat it all, even if you said I didn't have to.
And most importantly, you found me at a bad time. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and who I could be without this eating disorder. You've caught me in the middle of that, and if you're willing to stick around then, you're amazing and if not. Then don't worry, i understand .

This challenge?
tell that one person, thank you.
They don't have to know why.
Just let them know, you are thankful for them. I'm going to tell my boyfriend in the morning.

Stuck in a crossroad (very naked)

I put (very naked.) Not because I am naked but because its something very personal to mei guess.
I often get thoughts.
Thoughts hoping for death.
Death to my eating disorder even if that means taking me with it, so be it. But it needs to die.
Day in and day out it eats at me.
Tells me I'm nothing and I'm worthless, but if I lose ten lbs I'll be 10% worthless or some shit.
My best friend died five days ago from a bullimic real accident and I feel lost. So lost. And today when I came home 10:12ish I was greeted by my other best friend, my cousin, and several other people whom my house has been offered up to for people to stay in.
And here's J. He knows right away," ang you've lost weight. " and of course I give him the, you're eyes are broken so fuck off shpeal. He doesn't buy it and he looks under my eyelids and gets the most heart breaking tears in his eyes. He said "when did you eat last, don't lie, cause then I'll just guess"
And that's when I realized I had to tell him, I haven't eaten since Thursday night.
He just starred at me. Do you know what its like to have your best friend stare at you like, "what the fuck is wrong with this bitch." But for whatever reason, that look had only lasted a couple moments before he flicked the middle of my forehead, grabbed his keys and handed them to me. 'Go start the car and get in, I'll be out in a sec.' And at this point, there was no arguing, plus I didn't have the strength for it.
Needless to say, I was not very shocked when he pulled up to a gas station, and brought back out a 24oz of coffee and a granola bar.
Of course I have to eat the granola bar and he watches me to make sure I don't st ash chunks anywhere or only eat a portion.
Why should he care what I eat?
Because he's afraid I'm going to break our pact.
Me and J have a pact. He has severe depression but has gotten a lot better.
I on the other hand still struggle, and he knows when I do because he just sees it too well.
Our pact is that he won't commit as long I don't commit slowly with my anorexia.
And let me tell you, this boy has been in and out of hospitalzations more than once by my disgusting side.
Home, is obviously not where we went after wards.
We went to a building, a tall one downtown and hung our feet over the edge, talking about what's going through his head, what's going through mine and trying to figure out to ourselves, why we're both relapsing in to this great depression.
he's been dealing with it using alcohol and I've been dealing with it through numbers.
Id like to lose 10-15lbs by spring break but I know it isn't allowed.
But when I feel more starved and empty, it's easier to ignore everything..

So here's my challenge to you all.
I want to know you're story of the one person who's been with you through the most. Sister, grandpa, best friend, whoever, I wanna know you're story and history(:
Email them to me.

Random Thoughts Time..

i need weeeeed*still feeling rather ill and extreamly nauseous*my head hurts*my eating disorder basically controlls my life* "healthy and proud" are definitly trigger words so just dont* this bitch said i have a fat but.*bitch ill kill you.* please dont feed the whale* naked pictures are not fucking classy, hi like do you you know who i am* give me espresso * WHITE WINE TIME* yeah imma drink, my best friend just died* Still in need of a fat as blunt * that is the only time the word fat is acceptable* xanax maybe? * yeah ill take a couple of those too* i love cooking and watching other people enjoy food* valium??? yeaaaa some of that to please* i dont even have to eat anything, if i think about it i get nervous and guilty*  i feel like i can only eat around people who know about my eating disorder so that they think im eating but then i feel like theyre judging what im consuming* the awkward moment when you hear a freshman girl at your school say she's pro ana so you release the kraken on her and send her remaining pieces to outerspace* valentines day is tommorrow* im gonna treat myself topearls* i feel llike i weigh 1000000000* i want a fiat* and a condo* humor me * why do people who dont have eating disorders feel the need to glamorize them?!* i dont cut myself but i sure as hell think anorexia is my own little form of self harm sometimes* mom, you can send me as many motivational quotes as you want but it isnt going to make me hungry* or thirsty * lololololol thirsty hoes be like COCCCCCKKKKKK* ive stopped fighting my inner demons and we're on the same side now* ohmigod im deep* sometimes the scale is like "hey you lost two lbs" and i grab my chainsaw and im like dont be a lying bitch* jk jk i dont have a chainsaw * finding something to wear is impossible when you hate yourself.* im getting worse but youre to happy to notice* dont wanna wear tight clothes in fear of looking fat* look even bigger than i am in clothes that are to big for me* the struggle * namaste bitches* k no * girls who are like "ohmigod ana i love you bff forever come have a sleep over with me" or some shit and have a bmi of like 32<<<* you're a wanna be peice of shit* judge me* im bitter* one of my biggest fears is eating something i didnt make for myself. i dont know what other people are putting into my foods or how many extra calories/carbs/grams of fat im eating or if its even sanitary,* DID YOU JUST SAY YOURE PROANA BECAUSE IM GONNA PUNT YOU OFF THE PLANET CUNT*  im wealthy, outspoken, and bitter as shit * hate at me it's ok, * "its nice to see you eating a big meal" * bitch ill put this for down right now * i wanna lose like fifteen lbs * i feel so fat right now. of thats because i am* im currently a pathetic mess*

fear foods and safe foods???

Ohkay so today my boyfriend has taken upon the resposibility to make sure i get the nourishment i need in my body everyday and stop dropping.
OHKAY
well first let me start off by saying i love him so much but he has no idea what he's in for or anything of that sort as well as he beleives that he will just be able to see what i eat and not pay attention to calories or fats or carbs or anything of that sort.
like today for example? ive had a stalk of celery and half of a grapefruit.
thats only 80 calories. than tonight ill have a soy burger with veggie cheese which is 110.
so today i will have only had about 200 calories.
THATS STILL 3,000 CALORIES UNDER THAT IM SUPPOSED TO HAVE ACCORDING TO MY MEAL PLAN FROM MY DOCTOR.
but i dont think he needs to know all that. As long as he's happy with what im eating than ill try hard to be just as happy.
thats love(:

Anyways, what got me thinking was fear foods and safe foods and i began to think really hard about it and when i think of a fear food it doesnt immedietyl pop into my mind like hey! this is a fear food, dont eat it. it's just more of a "Ang you dont need that, or you dont like that" that sort of thing so now im beging to think. what is really on my two different lists.
so im gonna make them for me to see and for you to see and i wonder if they are similar.  Send me yours at angschallenge@gmail.com so i can compare and contrast them for a later post?(:

Fear foods

• bread (cake, cupcakes, rolls, bread, dohnuts, pizza, tortillas, waffles, pancakes, pastas, anything that is wrapped in bread like hot pockets or panninis, muffins, bagels)
• Fast food
• Meat (Steak, chicken, pork, elk,)
• Cerial, (its so deadly because you add the milk)
• milk
• the yellow part of an egg
• potatoe chips
• PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA
• flour, (so like green chili that has been thickened up using flour.
• peanut butter
• avacado
• ANYTHING MADE WITH ANIMAL PRODUCTS

Safe foods (all in my own moderations)

• apple (half at a time)
• celery (two or four stalks at a time)
• grapefruit (half at a time
• cucumber (1/3 at a time)
• firm tofu (1/5 of the block)
• Soy vegan veggie boca burger (one a day)
• veggie cheese slice (one with soy burger)
• almond milk (one cup)
• prune juice (one cup)
• diet coke
• cuties
• half a soy joy bar.

so guys, my challenge for you today is to make two lists in which pertain to you. tell me them, because im dying to know.  And then start to distinguish when certain foods moved from the safe food size to the fear food side or why some foods are on the fear foods list to begin with.

depression well

Latley i have felt trapped. so ridiculously trapped in my own mind by my subconcious.  My depression has been sky rocketing in the sense that I can't even wake up with an ounce of hope and i wind up dedicating my day to telling myself that being sad isnt going to do anything for me but when i try to cheer myself up it's as though my body gets upset. offended and wants me to take it back and just pushes me deeper down the depression well and after being pushed so far down , ive began to drown.
The water at the bottom of the well isnt made up of just depression but amxiety as well. And the well itself isnt made from brick but made from a layer of thick self hatred in which im confined.  I am confined to hating myself. I am confined to knowing that there are plenty of people i will just never be good enough for.  I am confined to lieing to everyone about if i am alright or if ive already eaten or if i have nothing to say.  Honestly, i could see myself dropping like *finger snap* that again.
reguardless the amount of hopsitalizations , recovery hasnt ever made me happy and now i feel like HOW COULD I HAVE LET MYSELF GO. IM DISGUSTING.
short rant.
sorry.
kbye

I dont understand, how you dont understand...

Ohkay so here I am. Cuddled up in a blanket and its been an honest to God long day. I'm glad its one more day I've lived to see but at the same time its like I'm living in my own personal hell.
This hell where people don't understand.
There is a lot of things I can not mentally deal with and I don't understand why some people don't apply what they say to themselves.
Earlier today I was told that I need to seriously watch my actions because "what I do affects not just me, it affects everyone"
So I'm like yeah ok I understand that.
BUT YET here I am with the same person wondering why they can't even apply that to themselves.
It's hard for me to comprehend to the inability of someone to not have the intellectual state to realize that they're a pathetic unable human being.
I
Of
All
People
Do not have the time or capacity for this. I can not swear myself off to someone like this when I just got out of a worse(but still similar) relationship.
I need to be loved. I need someone who's going to love me as much as I should love myself.
And I know that people will say "no one can live you until you love yourself" but I don't believe that.
I believe that whatever love someone has for me is one of the few things keeping this heart beating.
my self image is screwed.
My self worth is nothing, and why? I'm not totally sure. I would really love to know where all my happiness went ....when it left..if it was ever there..the anxiety..when did that start...when did I start not liking myself...I remember as a young kid always being so excited to want to change myself and who I was because when I grew up I was gonna be "perfect, smart, and skinny" and now I'm far from it, dumb as shit, and fat as hell. And I'm not ok with it. And that's where my subconscious comes in. I'm just a little dead. Inside and out.
I'm going to post lists soon of things I like and don't like.
SOOOO(:
here's my challenge to you. Try to figure out when it all started, and what or who helped you to turn your thoughts or mind around.

Introduction, hey(: im ang!

Hi everyone. I'm Ang. A lot of people mistake my name for other things but don't forget, it is always ang. Of course starting off I'm not 100% sure how many people will read my blog but I hope quite a couple.   This will be my venting spot, my escape, and my stepping stool. Why would I have to use blogger to escape? Right? Because I have so many issues deep down that I'm unable to speak about out loud. Not because anyone has told me not to, but because its the subconscious choice my thoughts have made for themselves.  Living life daily seems to drag on and some days I wish to just be sleeping or doing what I love most but that's just impossible. What is important right now to me is recovering from everything my brain has let me become or wants me to walk away with. I am ready to be happy and move on. Move on away from the thoughts. The questions, uncertainty, and hatred I throw so easily at myself. I can not wait till the day when I can make a list of things I do and don't like about myself and can write nothing on the don't like myself page. SOOOOO(: here brings up my first challenge to you all! I challenge you to make a list of things you do and don't like about yourself. (I'm going to do it too) and email / send tweet me your lists. Next one will be my lists and how it comapares to all of your lists.