prologue

i'm waiting. waiting for something more. waiting to be told that this isn't what's wrong with me and this isn't different. I am not just some case of a stereotypical eating disorder portrayed by medias where abouts of glamorization and how it's so much more fab in a big fancy state than it is in a shit hole mountain.
im sitting in this chair, big , comfy and blue, remembering, reminiscing how it used to consume me whole. it made me feel safe, like it was a fortress that nobody could harm me in while I watched movies..although that's how I felt in every recliner at 78, 87, 92 lbs... but now. I fit the chair..so normal so average sooooo mediocre.
it's noon. the sun is bright and I need to go see someone. that would mean skipping four  different appointments. four. Therapy 1:30, Routine checkup 3, Nutritionest/ dietician 3:30, group at 6.
I want to skip these. I know I can't but I want to. i'm not quite sure how long I can keep it up. I am in constant lies. I drown myself in them. "I already ate, im going to eat later, my stomach hurts, I had a big previous meal" "oh no this amount is fine, no I don't mind this much on my plate at all, don't worry im strong," "I feel so much better, im so much happier, I have a lot more ups than downs anymore, like has been so great"
do you feel me ? the disgust in each little lie. each manipulation. each crooked smirk. the amazing eye contact I can hold while lying, well ana, she's taught me so good hasn't she. yes, she taught me how to distance myself from everything and everyone. 
"Just eat."
just fuck off.
"you have to eat or ill be mad"
you have to fuck off or ill be mad
"im not going to let you kill yourself"
why do you get to want to disappear as much as me, but only YOU are aloud to do so.
it's melting off again.
slowly, but surely.
every ounce, it drags on me. I know this because I see it. and I feel it.
this was so jumbled in thought's im sorry to who reads this.

disgust

im depressed today. maybe more than i have ever been. i don't want to leave my room at all ever.
i am away from my phone
away from my family
as far away from friends as i can be
im sitting infront of my mirror half naked.
crying and pinching at my fat because it shows failure, inability, and weakness.
i cant begin to describe how i feel right now because it's nearly impossible.
all i know is that i don't know why this is happening to me.

i litterally disgust myself.

Run Away Baby

screaming inside my brain

i look fatter. havent lose any weight since my last weigh in
failure.disgusting.you cant do anything right. people tell you as much truth as those who hate you. everyone hates you.

it's nights like this where i completly get why people cut themselves.
theres something inside of you,
 and it tells you
you want to die
that you can't take the clutter brain anymore. and it's like eating at you that you need to get rid of the problem and when you think the problem is you, what can you really do. there isnt much that you can except kill yourself and when people cut themselves i imagine that they feel like they're getting what they deserve i need to get what i fucking deserve


medically. i'm currently fucked. i try to poop and practically make myself pass out dark from the amount of preassure i'm putting on my body but then after that i never poop so i probably have a weeks worth of whatever the fuck i ate just chilling in my stomach. which is shit.
i loook like a pregnant bitch.
starve yourself harder if your fat enough to look pregnant

im acting so selfish right now.
i left my phone at home, took my step dads handheld and just walked. walked away from my house.
from my house. from the deomons inside of my head
from the people who tell me on a daily basis i'm not good enough

running out of time

i've been thinking alot latley about my habbits now
and how they differed to my habbits when i first got diagnosed
and how even those could have still been there even earlier in my life

every couple weeks day i realise something else that i did that showed some sort of habit when i was younger
and everytime
the age the i realise it's at get's lower.
so has this always been a thing inside of me ??
seventeen years old: christmas eve i had a mental breakdown in my bathroom because my size 0 dress pants were tight so i severly restricted the next day
seventeen years old: i met a boy who, at that time knew nothing about my eating disorder. he thought i ate all the time. little did he realise i was only eating around him (once or twice a week) to make him feel normal
sixteen going on seventeen years old. a month out of inpaitent and almost at a normal weight, i forced my best friend to eat all the food on my plate during my birthday party
sixteen years old: i changed my religion several times because they were more "peaceful" aka i could get away with "religious" fasting
sixteen years old: i began a droor in my room where i put all the "recovery" snacks my mom bought me and took them to school and fed them to my friends. this droor was not small nor empty
sixteen years old: i signed up for all advanced AND intermediate/advanced classes to get an extra work out, in other words, burn a shit ton of calories, and keep myself busy from even being nea food
fourteen years old: i gave my lunch at school to whatever black guy came up to me first during lunch.
fourteen years old: it didnt matter if it meant walking around alone or not. i almost always refused to sit during lunch because i felt, i needed to continue burning calories from breakfast that morning
thirteen years old: i used my lunch money for clothes and coffee
thirteen years old: i couldnt change in the girls locker room without having a panic attack because a girl made fun of my thighs not touching
twelve years old: i bought a pair of pants a size too small to make them my goal pants. they were a childrens size 8-10years olds. i was a size 10-12 year old.
eleven years old: sudden veganism
ten years old: screaming at my mom and a benefit show because "why can't i eat what i want to eat mommy?"
nine years old: secretly taking my moms ALI diet pills when she was at work religously
nine years old: first time i remember being on a scale cause i was curious
eight years old: i tried to make myself throw up after a meal. it didnt work and i was pissed.
six years old:my mom got called in and questioned by my school counselor on if we needed financial help because i was unfortunetly thinner than the other children and they thought i was starving, my mom was just never around much at that age to realise that i was refusing my dads nanny to eat anything she made.
four  years old: i drank water cause i liked "the way it made my tummy feel full" but i wouldnt eat food because it made me feel like "caca

has this always been here......

Selfish

guys,
am i selfish ?
i got told recently that im selfish and it makes me wonder..am i?

i have an extreamly weathy father
and my mom, maybe not as wealthy but still pretty darn wealthy
i have a car i get to use, money i get to spend.
i almost always get what i want
i get these crazy opportunities that not alot of other people get

• i was asked to go on tour
• my darling mom and step dad pay a redic bill every month for me to do what i love
• my comp bills alone are 983$

i have a phanominal life, so why is it that i'm so unable to be happy. ofcourse i realise that it isn't my fault that i have unnaturally low serotonin levels in my brain because my body doesn't produce enough but im wondering why me.
like i'm a damn princess. honestly. i live like one so why is this all happening to me.
i'm not trying to sound petty but god damn it makes me feel pathetic.
is that wrong , im not sure.

wonderful wonderful

"cognitive disortion
resistance to therapy
socio-cultural influences
distorted and disfunctional thoguhts
body disatisfaction
personal vulnerability
tramatic life events
family interaction patterns
parental concern of weight and beauty
early onset of menstration
perfectionism
depression
predeposition to phsychopatholgy
neglect
abandonment
 loss
looking back, 19 years, 10 psychiatrists, 24 hospitalizations, 14 feeding tubes, and 17 iv pottassium pumps later, i realize that these words define me as an individual. And without them. i am lost"