this is me and i just want to be happy.

ive been in a bind latley.
When i can do me and eat how i please i feel so much happier with life and with myself but with the three meals and meal snacks and meal plans and blah blah blah blah.
I should not be dropping right now. but i am. lets be real.
i guess what im saying is i dont care if i die, or get put in inpaitent again or any of that.
i just want to be happy
and yes i know there is that whole im never going to be happy with my body no matter how small i am, i realise that.
but that's just my image. mentally, i am happer when i am starved.
it's sick isnt it ??
yes it is sick and disturbing that i would be willing to admit that
but i am done.
done eating all this nonsense thats only making me unhappy.
like god what is this shit.
 i am not,
 going to be bound,
 by the meal plan society expects me to be on.
i need control over my own life
i need control over my life
i need control over life.
i need control.
i am so much calmer
so much more chill
and its all ok, i promise.
i know the person this is going to confuse the most will be my boyfriend but , sooner or later im hoping he will realise that this ist about him. this is about me.
what i want and what i need.
i know he'll worry but after a while i know he'll see and beleive me when im say that ill be alright.
hopefully
no i know ill be ok
i will be fine.
he is going to understand that my mental disorder is just who i am.
i am happy, anxiety filled, and anorexic.
take me or leave me.
Darling.
you wont have to worry about a thing.
i am going to be fine as long as i can do me. happier ya know.
trust me

Lesbihonest.

I feel extemporaneously conflicted with knowing I should recover, noticing my symptoms of relapse and yet still feeling to weak to tell myself my distorted eating behaviors aren't alright.
I know exactly what is going on.
like an epileptic person.
I am conscious, I know everything that is going on around me and what I'm doing, yet, like a person having a seizure, I am unable to stop.
Good analogy orrrrrr? Ohkay, whateva.
Maybe not.
Anyways. Yeah so I'm slipping again
Doing shit like working out when I wake up.
Going to my normal five hours of practice a day
And then working out when I get home.
Cutting serving sizes in half. And then again.
"Oh! Half a cup of quick oats is 150? I'll eat a third of a cup instead to be safe!"
I want to make everyone else dinner and lunch and food and bake for them, it makes me feel more secure if I'm at least around food.
Water water water water water.
Fighting with the fridge.
And of course lying.
"Ang did you eat yet"
Oh yeah totally of course I ate.
If I say yeah, totally I'm automatically lying or telling half the truth.
Fear foods are sinking back in.
Lol hi, like when the fuck was the last time I didn't have fear over eating fucking bread.
Seriously my anxiety in it all ia fucking me in the ass.

What is recovery?

Is it just the gaining weight of my body
Gaining the periods back
I notice that my doctors often call me a recovered anorexic.
BUT
To me, I don't feel recovered. The only difference is a stabalized weight.
I still struggle looking in the mirror with body dysmorpheia from time to time.
Fear foods are starting to impact my life once again.and I'm trying to eat alot more than I would like but its getting hard.
Even today I'm looking at myself and I've gained a little weight again over getting my period soon but its hard cause I feel as though each of my limbs is a bloated balloon.
Maybe if I eat the same thing every day at the same time I'll be fine with myself.
Im not sure. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
Me, my disorder.
I need to get things together, for myself, my future and my boyfriend.
But what's really scary is its easier said than done.

insomnia kills faster than aids

Ohkay so that's a lie. I'm not sure if insomnia even kills at all, but I do know that if you have ever had insomnia, you know how I feel right now.
I woke up at 3:44 am.
I went to bed at like 11:45pm
After I took four ambien.
And I really didn't even sleep that long.
My tummy is like growling and I just can't even fathom eating right now but coffee sounds good.
Coffee or tea.
Or water I suppose.
Truth me told, I only kinda like bottled water because of the way it tastes in my mouth.
I like being able to feel my hip bones through my back.
Sick. I know.
Ohkay so opinion on calories, shit dude. The little calorie monsters have been eating me like no other. Suddenly numbers are scaring me more than they used to which is weird cause I never obsessed over numbers, I just knew I didn't like feeling full and had a shit load of foods that scared me, yes I tried to stay under 300 a day but never did I look at a grape and think "oh God! That's too much" until recently. So what changed, I'm not totally even 100% sure.
I want to lose ten  to fifteen lbs by spring break(:
If I do, everyone will be mad at me but I want to do it for myself.
Well this was a random
Shittty
4am post.
I'm going to go make coffee, goodnight y'all.

Q & A: questions from you all(:

Q: what are your lowest weights during points of being in the hospital?

A: first time was 82, then 86, then 84, then 92.

Q: what does a normal day look like for you without an eating plan, just doing you

A: in between five and eight cups of coffee, two or three un sweet hot green teas and some broth. (: And maybe half an apple with cinnomen.

Q: how are you managing to maintain A boyfriend and an eating disorder. I feel like my eating disorder is my boyfriend..

A: I have no idea. I've always been really good at not letting different parts of my life collide. So for instance I don't involve my school life with my home life or my home life with my sport life or my sport life with my social life. So I guess I just try not to put my eating disorder and my boyfriend under the same roof. I hide a lot, put on a thousand masked smiles and deal.

Q: surely people know when you're relapsing, how do you react to their reactions? I'm very bad about my temper.

A: reaction? I don't normally give them one. And my reasoning being becaus people flatter themselves tooooo much and are too self centered so if I gave them a reaction they might try to do something like relate my disorder to themselves. If they get no reaction, they have no fuel for their fire because I just pissed on it.

Q: have you been diagnosed with anything else other than anorexia?

A: depression, anxiety, and severe imsomnia .

Q: Did you ever think that maybe if you just smoked some weed, you'd get munchies and it'd cure you not eating.

A: hey Dick face. I smoke weed . On the regular. Good, medical shit. and not once have I been hungry after. You can go shove your theory up your ass anytime now.

Q: if your so under weight why don't you just eat?

A: *throws middle finger up* AND THIS ONE IS TO THE PEOPLE WHO DONT KNOW A DAMN THING. ignorant shits <3

Q: what symptoms did you personally fall under when being diagnosed and did you get any medical complications along with it. I want to be thin thin thin but no medical complications along with it.

A: I held the signs when being diagnosed that I was under bmi by too much.
Excessive concern about weight and body shape
Unexpected weight loss
Secretive eating or discovery that food is missing
Loss of menstrual cycles
Evidence of laxative abuse
Food group avoidance
Skipping meals
Avoiding eating in front of others

WHAT KIND OF MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS

Menstrual irregularities or loss of periods which can result in the inability to have children
Growth of facial hair
Weakening of the heart and other organs due to malnourishment Dehydration
impaired kidney functions
Lowered resistance to infection
Loss of muscle tissue
Dehydration-altered brain function and size
Dizziness, weakness or fainting Chest pain, shortness of breath
Depression and anxiety
Brittle hair and nails Sleep disturbance and fatigue
Severe dental problems including loss of teeth and bone
Close Death experiences.

Q: do you have any advice for people battleing ALL types of eating disorders?

A: you all are so beautiful, so strong, and so powerful. It takes someone unbelievably strong to live through what we do everyday and I just wanted to let you all know that I'm here for you.
I'm not going to give you a bullshit answer like pick up that fork, put away your toothbrush, don't work out, or stop over eating cause that just isn't fair and I know first hand that that's not how it works.
I'm also not going to tell you to recover.
You have to want recovery for there to even be like A 30% chance that you won't relapse, or else it will do nothing but make things worse.
So if you're looking into recovery, just know, you have to want it first.
And for the rest of you who maybe don't want recovery or are like me and relapsing down the shit hole, stay safe. I love you Guys.

<3

WARNING LABEL : for relationship use only.

Hi guys(:
And yes I mean boys!
Haha just kidding, I have a boyfriend. He's amazing, kind of saved my life. More than once. But he doesn't know that.
ANYWAYS.
I decided I need a warning label before anyone dates me just so they know what they're in for. Sooooo, here it goes.
::WARNING::
The person you are about to date has an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. Anxiety and depression don't always play a big part and you won't see them as often as you will the eating disorder. Every cup of coffee, tea, or broth is my eating disorder saying hey what's up. Every minimalized low Cal, healthy snack is my eating disorder saying HEY, YOU CANT PASS OUT YET, IM NOT DONE WITH YOU.
There are days where I will love myself, and days where I will look in the mirror and cry. But 98% of my days are spent in the middle of that spectrum. You will know I'm having a bad body image day if I : refuse to wear jeans, won't drink water, want to cook and bake for everyone else, blank out more than often, look lost, stare at food, Complain of a migraine / stomach pains, or can't even cuddle with you because my subconscious tella me IF YOU LAY DOWN YOU'RE LAZY, IF YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND FOR A WHILE HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO REACH GOAL ONE AGAIN. I do NOT binge often, so do not let me, even if I try. I want to cook and clean and be perfect for you.
And don't forget, if I say I love you. Its soooo real, that if you sat me down to eat, I would push through it because that's what you mean to me. And I would eat it all, even if you said I didn't have to.
And most importantly, you found me at a bad time. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and who I could be without this eating disorder. You've caught me in the middle of that, and if you're willing to stick around then, you're amazing and if not. Then don't worry, i understand .

This challenge?
tell that one person, thank you.
They don't have to know why.
Just let them know, you are thankful for them. I'm going to tell my boyfriend in the morning.

Stuck in a crossroad (very naked)

I put (very naked.) Not because I am naked but because its something very personal to mei guess.
I often get thoughts.
Thoughts hoping for death.
Death to my eating disorder even if that means taking me with it, so be it. But it needs to die.
Day in and day out it eats at me.
Tells me I'm nothing and I'm worthless, but if I lose ten lbs I'll be 10% worthless or some shit.
My best friend died five days ago from a bullimic real accident and I feel lost. So lost. And today when I came home 10:12ish I was greeted by my other best friend, my cousin, and several other people whom my house has been offered up to for people to stay in.
And here's J. He knows right away," ang you've lost weight. " and of course I give him the, you're eyes are broken so fuck off shpeal. He doesn't buy it and he looks under my eyelids and gets the most heart breaking tears in his eyes. He said "when did you eat last, don't lie, cause then I'll just guess"
And that's when I realized I had to tell him, I haven't eaten since Thursday night.
He just starred at me. Do you know what its like to have your best friend stare at you like, "what the fuck is wrong with this bitch." But for whatever reason, that look had only lasted a couple moments before he flicked the middle of my forehead, grabbed his keys and handed them to me. 'Go start the car and get in, I'll be out in a sec.' And at this point, there was no arguing, plus I didn't have the strength for it.
Needless to say, I was not very shocked when he pulled up to a gas station, and brought back out a 24oz of coffee and a granola bar.
Of course I have to eat the granola bar and he watches me to make sure I don't st ash chunks anywhere or only eat a portion.
Why should he care what I eat?
Because he's afraid I'm going to break our pact.
Me and J have a pact. He has severe depression but has gotten a lot better.
I on the other hand still struggle, and he knows when I do because he just sees it too well.
Our pact is that he won't commit as long I don't commit slowly with my anorexia.
And let me tell you, this boy has been in and out of hospitalzations more than once by my disgusting side.
Home, is obviously not where we went after wards.
We went to a building, a tall one downtown and hung our feet over the edge, talking about what's going through his head, what's going through mine and trying to figure out to ourselves, why we're both relapsing in to this great depression.
he's been dealing with it using alcohol and I've been dealing with it through numbers.
Id like to lose 10-15lbs by spring break but I know it isn't allowed.
But when I feel more starved and empty, it's easier to ignore everything..

So here's my challenge to you all.
I want to know you're story of the one person who's been with you through the most. Sister, grandpa, best friend, whoever, I wanna know you're story and history(:
Email them to me.

Random Thoughts Time..

i need weeeeed*still feeling rather ill and extreamly nauseous*my head hurts*my eating disorder basically controlls my life* "healthy and proud" are definitly trigger words so just dont* this bitch said i have a fat but.*bitch ill kill you.* please dont feed the whale* naked pictures are not fucking classy, hi like do you you know who i am* give me espresso * WHITE WINE TIME* yeah imma drink, my best friend just died* Still in need of a fat as blunt * that is the only time the word fat is acceptable* xanax maybe? * yeah ill take a couple of those too* i love cooking and watching other people enjoy food* valium??? yeaaaa some of that to please* i dont even have to eat anything, if i think about it i get nervous and guilty*  i feel like i can only eat around people who know about my eating disorder so that they think im eating but then i feel like theyre judging what im consuming* the awkward moment when you hear a freshman girl at your school say she's pro ana so you release the kraken on her and send her remaining pieces to outerspace* valentines day is tommorrow* im gonna treat myself topearls* i feel llike i weigh 1000000000* i want a fiat* and a condo* humor me * why do people who dont have eating disorders feel the need to glamorize them?!* i dont cut myself but i sure as hell think anorexia is my own little form of self harm sometimes* mom, you can send me as many motivational quotes as you want but it isnt going to make me hungry* or thirsty * lololololol thirsty hoes be like COCCCCCKKKKKK* ive stopped fighting my inner demons and we're on the same side now* ohmigod im deep* sometimes the scale is like "hey you lost two lbs" and i grab my chainsaw and im like dont be a lying bitch* jk jk i dont have a chainsaw * finding something to wear is impossible when you hate yourself.* im getting worse but youre to happy to notice* dont wanna wear tight clothes in fear of looking fat* look even bigger than i am in clothes that are to big for me* the struggle * namaste bitches* k no * girls who are like "ohmigod ana i love you bff forever come have a sleep over with me" or some shit and have a bmi of like 32<<<* you're a wanna be peice of shit* judge me* im bitter* one of my biggest fears is eating something i didnt make for myself. i dont know what other people are putting into my foods or how many extra calories/carbs/grams of fat im eating or if its even sanitary,* DID YOU JUST SAY YOURE PROANA BECAUSE IM GONNA PUNT YOU OFF THE PLANET CUNT*  im wealthy, outspoken, and bitter as shit * hate at me it's ok, * "its nice to see you eating a big meal" * bitch ill put this for down right now * i wanna lose like fifteen lbs * i feel so fat right now. of thats because i am* im currently a pathetic mess*

fear foods and safe foods???

Ohkay so today my boyfriend has taken upon the resposibility to make sure i get the nourishment i need in my body everyday and stop dropping.
OHKAY
well first let me start off by saying i love him so much but he has no idea what he's in for or anything of that sort as well as he beleives that he will just be able to see what i eat and not pay attention to calories or fats or carbs or anything of that sort.
like today for example? ive had a stalk of celery and half of a grapefruit.
thats only 80 calories. than tonight ill have a soy burger with veggie cheese which is 110.
so today i will have only had about 200 calories.
THATS STILL 3,000 CALORIES UNDER THAT IM SUPPOSED TO HAVE ACCORDING TO MY MEAL PLAN FROM MY DOCTOR.
but i dont think he needs to know all that. As long as he's happy with what im eating than ill try hard to be just as happy.
thats love(:

Anyways, what got me thinking was fear foods and safe foods and i began to think really hard about it and when i think of a fear food it doesnt immedietyl pop into my mind like hey! this is a fear food, dont eat it. it's just more of a "Ang you dont need that, or you dont like that" that sort of thing so now im beging to think. what is really on my two different lists.
so im gonna make them for me to see and for you to see and i wonder if they are similar.  Send me yours at angschallenge@gmail.com so i can compare and contrast them for a later post?(:

Fear foods

• bread (cake, cupcakes, rolls, bread, dohnuts, pizza, tortillas, waffles, pancakes, pastas, anything that is wrapped in bread like hot pockets or panninis, muffins, bagels)
• Fast food
• Meat (Steak, chicken, pork, elk,)
• Cerial, (its so deadly because you add the milk)
• milk
• the yellow part of an egg
• potatoe chips
• PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA
• flour, (so like green chili that has been thickened up using flour.
• peanut butter
• avacado
• ANYTHING MADE WITH ANIMAL PRODUCTS

Safe foods (all in my own moderations)

• apple (half at a time)
• celery (two or four stalks at a time)
• grapefruit (half at a time
• cucumber (1/3 at a time)
• firm tofu (1/5 of the block)
• Soy vegan veggie boca burger (one a day)
• veggie cheese slice (one with soy burger)
• almond milk (one cup)
• prune juice (one cup)
• diet coke
• cuties
• half a soy joy bar.

so guys, my challenge for you today is to make two lists in which pertain to you. tell me them, because im dying to know.  And then start to distinguish when certain foods moved from the safe food size to the fear food side or why some foods are on the fear foods list to begin with.

depression well

Latley i have felt trapped. so ridiculously trapped in my own mind by my subconcious.  My depression has been sky rocketing in the sense that I can't even wake up with an ounce of hope and i wind up dedicating my day to telling myself that being sad isnt going to do anything for me but when i try to cheer myself up it's as though my body gets upset. offended and wants me to take it back and just pushes me deeper down the depression well and after being pushed so far down , ive began to drown.
The water at the bottom of the well isnt made up of just depression but amxiety as well. And the well itself isnt made from brick but made from a layer of thick self hatred in which im confined.  I am confined to hating myself. I am confined to knowing that there are plenty of people i will just never be good enough for.  I am confined to lieing to everyone about if i am alright or if ive already eaten or if i have nothing to say.  Honestly, i could see myself dropping like *finger snap* that again.
reguardless the amount of hopsitalizations , recovery hasnt ever made me happy and now i feel like HOW COULD I HAVE LET MYSELF GO. IM DISGUSTING.
short rant.
sorry.
kbye

I dont understand, how you dont understand...

Ohkay so here I am. Cuddled up in a blanket and its been an honest to God long day. I'm glad its one more day I've lived to see but at the same time its like I'm living in my own personal hell.
This hell where people don't understand.
There is a lot of things I can not mentally deal with and I don't understand why some people don't apply what they say to themselves.
Earlier today I was told that I need to seriously watch my actions because "what I do affects not just me, it affects everyone"
So I'm like yeah ok I understand that.
BUT YET here I am with the same person wondering why they can't even apply that to themselves.
It's hard for me to comprehend to the inability of someone to not have the intellectual state to realize that they're a pathetic unable human being.
I
Of
All
People
Do not have the time or capacity for this. I can not swear myself off to someone like this when I just got out of a worse(but still similar) relationship.
I need to be loved. I need someone who's going to love me as much as I should love myself.
And I know that people will say "no one can live you until you love yourself" but I don't believe that.
I believe that whatever love someone has for me is one of the few things keeping this heart beating.
my self image is screwed.
My self worth is nothing, and why? I'm not totally sure. I would really love to know where all my happiness went ....when it left..if it was ever there..the anxiety..when did that start...when did I start not liking myself...I remember as a young kid always being so excited to want to change myself and who I was because when I grew up I was gonna be "perfect, smart, and skinny" and now I'm far from it, dumb as shit, and fat as hell. And I'm not ok with it. And that's where my subconscious comes in. I'm just a little dead. Inside and out.
I'm going to post lists soon of things I like and don't like.
SOOOO(:
here's my challenge to you. Try to figure out when it all started, and what or who helped you to turn your thoughts or mind around.

Introduction, hey(: im ang!

Hi everyone. I'm Ang. A lot of people mistake my name for other things but don't forget, it is always ang. Of course starting off I'm not 100% sure how many people will read my blog but I hope quite a couple.   This will be my venting spot, my escape, and my stepping stool. Why would I have to use blogger to escape? Right? Because I have so many issues deep down that I'm unable to speak about out loud. Not because anyone has told me not to, but because its the subconscious choice my thoughts have made for themselves.  Living life daily seems to drag on and some days I wish to just be sleeping or doing what I love most but that's just impossible. What is important right now to me is recovering from everything my brain has let me become or wants me to walk away with. I am ready to be happy and move on. Move on away from the thoughts. The questions, uncertainty, and hatred I throw so easily at myself. I can not wait till the day when I can make a list of things I do and don't like about myself and can write nothing on the don't like myself page. SOOOOO(: here brings up my first challenge to you all! I challenge you to make a list of things you do and don't like about yourself. (I'm going to do it too) and email / send tweet me your lists. Next one will be my lists and how it comapares to all of your lists.