anyone anywhere could be hurting

today I was sitting on the inside of the hotel im staying at. messy bun, layers of sweats and a blanket wrapped around me.
and this boy came up to me, older but not by much.
guitar in his hand.
and he just sat there, for a good three or four minuets.
next to me.
we shared silence along with feet tapping and an occasionally sigh that was very obviously held out for much too long.
then I got chills in my body and sucked in only to begin coughing from inhaling my own spit.
he didn't look at me or anything.
he just chuckled to himself.
"It sucks doesn't it"
omg, I thought. he just fucking spoke to me, but I was so shocked I had to double check with a "hmmm???"
right back to him.
he kinda just raised his eye brows and tilted his head to make eye contact with me. so I was like :Oh yeaah I hate it when I choke on my spit. wrong way of seeming attractive."
"no." he said and then he slowly waved his hand infront of my face. then he grabbed my hand and motioned I do the same to him so I did. and quickly I realized that neither of the expressions on our face had changed,
unamused
unphased
unalive
"tell me what you think...ok?"
he picked up his guitar and started
ed sheeran was his choice
a contemplation of varius songs
and though it was an amazing work of art and he had a beautiful something I could not get past his necklace. it was like a locket except clear. and inside of it were different colored hospital bracelets. all crammed into a half dollar sized, clear locket.
I don't know why I did it but, I put  my hand on the strings of his guitar to stop all noise and just starred at him. "it's ohkay to be sad. helpless and even lost sometimes." he was doing the whole talking thing without looking at me again. I moved my hand up his sleeve to stare at his couple day old cuts "it's easier said than done isn't it"
he smiled chuckled one more time than stood up and put his hand on my hair, and then kissed my forhead.
"ill see you down here in the morning. 5am. for.." he raised his eyebrows again, "breakfast.." he saw the panic in my face with that word and smiled big. "don't be late" then he walked off.

OMG IS THIS REAL LIFE.

naked.

The more weight i lose the more numb i am.
The more numb i am the happier i am when people around me are happy.
But when things are rough, they're a thousand times harder.
Oh well.
It's deserved.
M came back into my life today.
And I'm not sure what to say.
He says he has a lot to show me and he understands if it takes me a while to trust him again as long as i eventually accept the past and move on from his mistakes.
You. Poisoned. My. Drip. Feed. And. You. Want. Me. To. Forgive. You.
I'm so curious to hear what he has to say though. He looks so much like the older M. Nothing like what he looked like last summer.
I'm leaving town for a week and a half on Saturday.
nerve racking.
Eating out and not being able to skip most meals is going to classify as a beached whale.
This post makes no sense I'm so sorry.

safe and sound

i'm dropping weight feels like im getting fatter
not enough
it's making me feel so amazing. and i'm looking forward to being tiny again. He isn't talking to me i'm not talking to him I dunno. like im not texting him back but he's sending me back "ok" after I answer his questions so I have no reason to text him back. I have a friend who pretty much was like "let's help each other out" so im taking that for everything it is. let's starve
im so confused and mad don't talk to me talk to me

vent moment

"You're beautiful. Theres no one else i'd rather have. you're perfect"

you're favoriting pictures of girls that post pictures of them selves with little to no clothning on fucking twitter who have fat asses and big tits and who look nothing like me. girls who are slutty. girls who would have mindless sex or do sexual favors for men. so I've fucking learned first hand is more important than love. obviously. I don't do that. I don't offer myself up to anyone nor do I give you any reason to believe as though I would do so. it's whatever though..don't worry while you're over here loving them big booty bitches, i'm going to be over here making sure i'm the motherfucking opposite of them.

oh thankyou so much, that means a lot.

watermelon pucker, wanel, and weigh ins

I just wanna get drunk, hide somewhere in the midst of a forrest, fall asleep and never wake up

some pants I ordered several months ago from wanelo came in today.
they're to big. how? I'm big


i have a weigh in tomorrow
I love the look on their face when they tell me I've dropped weight, no matter if it's pounds or ounces.


i always pig out the day before weigh ins if only to cheat it a bit.
three different smoothies.
vanilla shredder. (180)
green life (120)
lean chocolate (245)

not that that's much to the normal eye. whatever.
i feel so full and disgusting
(545)
(five hundred and forty five)
(fatassfatassfatassfatassfattt)
that number is so close to 600.
i eat 600 calories in three days. not one.
whatever.
anyways, im getting so anxious about food again that im starting to be freaked out by even gas station coffee because im not 100% sure what calories are in it.
it's disgusting how much i wanna die. whatever.

here's some toilet paper to wipe your ass..

THANKS FOR SHIITING ON MY NIGHT.

my mom was like
"I bet youll go bulimic like her"
no you're just paranoyed mom. ask/say some stupid shit again and ill punch you square in the mouth.

giant rant ( not about any specific one person)

secondly, I don't know how to cope with shit and you know it so you scream at me because of snap chats
oh god shoot me now
oh you're more sad than me? awesome lets compare depression why don't we ?
oh you want to kill yourself? you're talking to a girl who's had her stomach pumped numerous times, but you're want to be dead is much more important than mine.
oh gosh..you haven't eaten since breakfast. jesus I bet you can barely walk.
oh you want a body like mine? I bet you're just dying to strave yourself.
oh you think ill end up like her? fuck I could only wish to be six feet under away from you (': that lucky bitch her.
oh, your thoughts are making you really axious about us? fuck. my bad, let me just push my anxiety, depression, anorexia,medical complications, migraines, hunger pains and all that jazz to the side so I can remind you how much I love you.
right? because I don't say it enough?
right? because im the unfaithful one?
yea, you hate yourself. hi. I get that. completely.
but really. why do you say half the shit you say.
dear everyone that's been so rude to me today.
I don't mind being your punching bag or step stool every once in a while. but don't take advantage of it,
all I want is to see you guys smile. so please stop taking mine away

take it from the people like us (rant)

I have a very big issue when people comment on the things im eating/wanting to eat/or in the mood to eat.

for example.

Scenerio 1:
let's say you and I are at walmart and im looking through ice creams cause maybe I decided this week I would challenge myself with some ice cream. and I pick up salted carmel instead of vanilla. and you say something as little as "why are you getting that one and not the vanilla" I automatically don't want either now because you had to go fuck it up with your big mouth. do not ask me why. but that's just how I am.


Scenerioa two:

If I'm eating something you don't like, like maybe jalapeno bread, why in the any other hell would you come up to me and be like "that looks disgusting/that smells so gross/i would never eat that." And there ya go. Just like that. I don't want it anymore. Appetite ruined.

scenario threeeee: (BIGGEST PETPEVE EVVVVER. k maybe not ever but this gets to me bad)

any body with an eating disorder knows this very well with me, when you get in the mood to eat a specific thing from a specific place you will not rest till you get that one thing. weather you starve until you finally get the chance to get one thing or you eat and eat and eat and eat everything in sight until your craving is fulfilled. you don't stop until you get what you want. so for me, the thing I often crave is frozen yogurt. so how much pain can you imagine me being in when I haven't eaten for five days and decide I want fro yo but and my mom let's me know that the fro yo and toppings I got aren't healthy. bitch no.

scenario four:
"just eat helthy, and you will stay skinny you don't need to starve yourself"
"just have a salad"

ohkay yes I have fear foods but if I have a salad and a veggie burger infront of me, im not going to choose the salad because it's healthier. im not going to choose either because IM NOT IN THE MOOD TO EAT AND ILL FEEL LIKE SHIT REGUARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS.

And it ain't hard to see who you are underneath

iIn several days.
The man i love will be momentarily moving to wisconsin.
Because of this distance he's been trying, nail and tooth, to make me hate him.
He's so stupid.
Yes a lot has changed.
But not for the bad.

And honestly, i don't want anyone but him.
He doesn't really understand that I'm in love with every little thing he does.
When we're mad at each other, and he's talking to me and messes up a word and he looks at me to see if i noticed he fucked up his sentence and i try so hard not to laugh and he tries so hard not to smile..
And falling asleep in his arms? It's like heaven, and the first words i hear when waking up are "hi beautiful" or something along those lines.
I can see and feel regret when he feels it and even though i shouldn't, i still trust him with my heart.
I'll post more about this later when I'm less sick.

Anyways,  disorder wise.
I'm losing weight and have predeveloping pneumonia and bronchitis so we'll see which one develops first.