this is my q&a
Q: DO YOU THINK YOUR LACK OF RELIGIOUS VIEWS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR EATING DISORDER
A: hi, wow, what a seriously good question. I don't think that my lack of religious views was like a spite of 'god' and that's why I developed an eating disorder. but in a sense I can easily say that my eating disorder has made me skeptical of not god himself but religion in general. As a little girl I was very religious and very 'faith filled' to say the least, that lasted till I was six or seven maybe at the most. It disappeared quickly though because I began to ponder upon the simple idea of 'why do I feel as disgusting as I do when I worship something that is supposed to do nothing but be perfect for me'. So in a way, I definitely think that my lack of faith came from a deep un-understanding of my eating disorder. in a petty 'why me' sort of way. you feel?
Q; HOW DO YOU MANAGE A BOYFRIEND WITH ALL THAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH?
A: funnnnnny question. omg I don't manage well. my most recent boyfriend I literally just went through hell, tooth and nail, trying to push him out of my life. He would be mean to me, so I would be mean to him. and he was a cheater. and I was sensitive. and he liked being depressed. and I didn't like being bothered about eating. and apparently a whole bunch happened on my phone today while I was napping but anyways, short story shorter, he essentially posted a tweet hinting that he cheated on me more than omce, another that im stupid, another that im already replaced, and honestly....this is sickening..but I love that pain coming from his words because it pushes me harder to reach the goals I want
Q: ARE THERE ANY PHRASES THAT TRIGGER THE SHIT OUT OF YOU OR JUST ANNOY YOU? OR AM I JUST CRAY
A: lolwutnoway. your not crazy. I hate it when people say things along the lines of "lol starvation diet" "wow you look so healthy" "ugh god you are so perfect and skinny I wish I was you" "im so happy to see you eating" stuff along those lines. i'm sure you feel me, right(:
Q: DO YOU THINK 'SKINNY LOVE' IS ABOUT WHAT WE THINK IT'S ABOUT?
A: honestly? no. I DON'T think that skinny love is about a girl with an eating disorder. I think it's about a relationship that's running out of reasons to go on, almost running out of love. and both people want it to 'last the year' but because of the malnourishment of the relationship things may not being going as hoped or things may be getting worse so it's not full anymore. it's empty.
Q: IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SCARED OF.
A: physically? no. but there's this song called 'weightless' and it's by MI. I heard it on my Pandora the other day and it literally gave me chills. it's a terribly made song but the first verse had me shaking with how disturbing it sounds. omg yea that was the last time I was actually scared.
Q: AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE?
A: no.
Q: I DON'T STARVE MYSELF, I DON'T SELF HARM, AND I'M NOT DEPRESSED OR ANYTHING. BUT I OFTEN GET THE URGE TO DO ALL OF IT. DOES THAT MEAN I'M GOING TO SOONER OR LATER.
A: alright, i'm going to be closing out this sequence of questions with this answer because it's going to be a long one.
You may think about doing those things every so often because, every single person has in their life. it's a matter of pursue.
not a single person has looked at themselves at least once and not been disappointed at least once
that's life. give or take.
but before you feel compelled to take that next step I want you to know something important.
self harm is not a matter of 'I was gonna cut myself once but I was afraid it might hurt.'
it is a matter of addictive behavior that can leave over 500+ different scars on your beautiful body.
secondly as for starving yourself, it should not be a 'choice' or a 'sometimes' thing. the only thing that starving yourself is going to bring you is NOTHING. it's going to take a good amount of things from your life. fun, friends, family, health, school, experiences, love, parties, sex, driving. yes even driving, when im below a certain weight I can't drive. when i'm so far deep in my anorexia, I don't even try to stop it. it's all that matters. I don't care if my dad dies, I don't care if I've litteraly faught and made someone I love hate me and made them want to move on because all that matters right now is dropping weight and numbing out. because I just listen to it..
look in a mirror. pull the hair away from your face, and tell yourself how much you need that person staring in the mirror back at you to stay strong, because that is the person you need the most right now.
you're beautiful, inside and out,
don't do this.
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