prologue

i'm waiting. waiting for something more. waiting to be told that this isn't what's wrong with me and this isn't different. I am not just some case of a stereotypical eating disorder portrayed by medias where abouts of glamorization and how it's so much more fab in a big fancy state than it is in a shit hole mountain.
im sitting in this chair, big , comfy and blue, remembering, reminiscing how it used to consume me whole. it made me feel safe, like it was a fortress that nobody could harm me in while I watched movies..although that's how I felt in every recliner at 78, 87, 92 lbs... but now. I fit the chair..so normal so average sooooo mediocre.
it's noon. the sun is bright and I need to go see someone. that would mean skipping four  different appointments. four. Therapy 1:30, Routine checkup 3, Nutritionest/ dietician 3:30, group at 6.
I want to skip these. I know I can't but I want to. i'm not quite sure how long I can keep it up. I am in constant lies. I drown myself in them. "I already ate, im going to eat later, my stomach hurts, I had a big previous meal" "oh no this amount is fine, no I don't mind this much on my plate at all, don't worry im strong," "I feel so much better, im so much happier, I have a lot more ups than downs anymore, like has been so great"
do you feel me ? the disgust in each little lie. each manipulation. each crooked smirk. the amazing eye contact I can hold while lying, well ana, she's taught me so good hasn't she. yes, she taught me how to distance myself from everything and everyone. 
"Just eat."
just fuck off.
"you have to eat or ill be mad"
you have to fuck off or ill be mad
"im not going to let you kill yourself"
why do you get to want to disappear as much as me, but only YOU are aloud to do so.
it's melting off again.
slowly, but surely.
every ounce, it drags on me. I know this because I see it. and I feel it.
this was so jumbled in thought's im sorry to who reads this.