running out of time

i've been thinking alot latley about my habbits now
and how they differed to my habbits when i first got diagnosed
and how even those could have still been there even earlier in my life

every couple weeks day i realise something else that i did that showed some sort of habit when i was younger
and everytime
the age the i realise it's at get's lower.
so has this always been a thing inside of me ??
seventeen years old: christmas eve i had a mental breakdown in my bathroom because my size 0 dress pants were tight so i severly restricted the next day
seventeen years old: i met a boy who, at that time knew nothing about my eating disorder. he thought i ate all the time. little did he realise i was only eating around him (once or twice a week) to make him feel normal
sixteen going on seventeen years old. a month out of inpaitent and almost at a normal weight, i forced my best friend to eat all the food on my plate during my birthday party
sixteen years old: i changed my religion several times because they were more "peaceful" aka i could get away with "religious" fasting
sixteen years old: i began a droor in my room where i put all the "recovery" snacks my mom bought me and took them to school and fed them to my friends. this droor was not small nor empty
sixteen years old: i signed up for all advanced AND intermediate/advanced classes to get an extra work out, in other words, burn a shit ton of calories, and keep myself busy from even being nea food
fourteen years old: i gave my lunch at school to whatever black guy came up to me first during lunch.
fourteen years old: it didnt matter if it meant walking around alone or not. i almost always refused to sit during lunch because i felt, i needed to continue burning calories from breakfast that morning
thirteen years old: i used my lunch money for clothes and coffee
thirteen years old: i couldnt change in the girls locker room without having a panic attack because a girl made fun of my thighs not touching
twelve years old: i bought a pair of pants a size too small to make them my goal pants. they were a childrens size 8-10years olds. i was a size 10-12 year old.
eleven years old: sudden veganism
ten years old: screaming at my mom and a benefit show because "why can't i eat what i want to eat mommy?"
nine years old: secretly taking my moms ALI diet pills when she was at work religously
nine years old: first time i remember being on a scale cause i was curious
eight years old: i tried to make myself throw up after a meal. it didnt work and i was pissed.
six years old:my mom got called in and questioned by my school counselor on if we needed financial help because i was unfortunetly thinner than the other children and they thought i was starving, my mom was just never around much at that age to realise that i was refusing my dads nanny to eat anything she made.
four  years old: i drank water cause i liked "the way it made my tummy feel full" but i wouldnt eat food because it made me feel like "caca

has this always been here......