Lesbihonest.

I feel extemporaneously conflicted with knowing I should recover, noticing my symptoms of relapse and yet still feeling to weak to tell myself my distorted eating behaviors aren't alright.
I know exactly what is going on.
like an epileptic person.
I am conscious, I know everything that is going on around me and what I'm doing, yet, like a person having a seizure, I am unable to stop.
Good analogy orrrrrr? Ohkay, whateva.
Maybe not.
Anyways. Yeah so I'm slipping again
Doing shit like working out when I wake up.
Going to my normal five hours of practice a day
And then working out when I get home.
Cutting serving sizes in half. And then again.
"Oh! Half a cup of quick oats is 150? I'll eat a third of a cup instead to be safe!"
I want to make everyone else dinner and lunch and food and bake for them, it makes me feel more secure if I'm at least around food.
Water water water water water.
Fighting with the fridge.
And of course lying.
"Ang did you eat yet"
Oh yeah totally of course I ate.
If I say yeah, totally I'm automatically lying or telling half the truth.
Fear foods are sinking back in.
Lol hi, like when the fuck was the last time I didn't have fear over eating fucking bread.
Seriously my anxiety in it all ia fucking me in the ass.